Showing posts with label alchemy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alchemy. Show all posts

Feb 14, 2018

At last.. Victory means Validation!

I had an appointment today with the clinical psychologist who serves as the director of Harborview Mental Health & Recovery Services. He said yes, approximately 1 in 50 are in fact considered good candidates for self medicating ADD diagnosis instead of considered meth addicts. Having no criminal record nor history of emergency room visits due to overdosing, the fact I'm 42 with all my teeth and don't look like the typical user and maintain a perfectly reasonable cognitive level and regular meal & rest schedule makes me a candidate. I was right! I didn't give up on myself because I knew there was a better option than absolute abstinence until eventual frustrating relapse occurrence when I would finally decide that my will was to do the things I am capable of instead of be a helpless spectator. Neither were good for my self esteem but I determined I was happier when I am productive and would just have to accept the loneliness as drug use is a relationship deal breaker says everyone including people who are bipolar, alcoholics, Ducati addicts without internal organs from racing wrecks.. whatever! Everyone thinks they are the exception to being able to judge poor impulse control behavior and it's impossible for someone under demon drug possession to carefully assess their own situation to come to an unpopular conclusion that might actually be true and 100% valid. To all the haters and the ex who conveniently used the excuse instead of admitting to his serial situation:


Feb 26, 2014

OutLaw on Burning Man and What it's Become

I'm so sick of hearing about Burning Man!

It went from this (SF beach)..
I wish the LLC, whom everyone refers to as "Burning Man Org" which seems to be a derogatory term as far as I've seen.. had just cancelled it and retired with the copyrights still in their possession! So bad.. seriously! Then Burning Man could finally be an era we all look back on fondly in our memory and become stories we tell to our kids whenever they beg us to go to raves or whatever the kids are into these days.. Instead of being considered a community that has the right to decide for itself what to do with itself because the community has become a bunch of whiny lame ass self righteous dissenters who only want to talk shit about everyone and everything and not give any credit whatsoever to the people who worked their asses off half their life putting on the ONE THING IN THE WORLD THAT TRULY CHANGED THEIR LIVES forever.

To this (Black Rock Desert)..
But NO. I now have to listen to them whine about not getting tickets. Hear them boast about scoring tickets. See them beg and beg and beg for tickets for the next five fucking months escalating into a massive crescendo that will completely occupy my Facebook feed come the end of August and still not quit because they can post of Facebook from the goddamn playa now!? See! Even I who always stand up for the LLC/org members who are or were people I once considered close personal friends in addition to co-workers, have become a voice of dissent! Only difference between me and all the others I'm referring to is I hate burners instead of being a burner who hates the org. Actually the only difference between me and any of them is likely only in my eyes.. moment of clarity, eh? I'll readily admit when I'm wrong.. wish I could say the same for burners!

To this! (Black Rock City)
The difference between me and the dissenters is I ACTUALLY HAVE FIRST PERSON KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE TO BACK MY OPINION opposed to hearing some dude that managed to become a famous dissenter (ie. Chicken John) ex burner who has now moved on with his life but not before raising a whole lotta hell scrutinizing the way the org ran things and claiming all the while to be one of the "original burners" which is simply not true as his claim some kind of authority that gave him the right to an opinion. (edit: actually he was around in the first days on the playa apparently according to the article I sighted but then again it could just be him talking big as many burners are known to do) Always about the damn community.. The truth is I guess it has to be because I know from direct experience as a DPW Project Manager for 6 years no one can accomplish anything in the desert alone! It was only by being a team player I was able to rise to such ranks as I did and was able to lead my crew like a team thus creating a small exclusive community or rather "the winners" of such things as racing Tony's (Perez aka Coyote.. current Head of DPW) crew in completing our half of the city's intersection's in t-staking and installing street signs.. The original "burners" or community members back when it was on the beach in San Francisco is the majority of what was once called the Org and they have done the BEST they can with everything they were thrown! Here's a good fair article on Burning Man's History including sentiments of John Law who I hung out with on the playa one 4th of July weekend and agree he's crazy (as the anti-Law camp says) but also very knowledgeable of the terrain of the Black Rock Desert. He was on a mission to shoot out propane tanks though btw.. which is illegal and enforced by the BLM making my opinion of him as equally respectable as Danger Ranger an antithesis because such is the nature of a "radical self reliant" philosophy.

And from this..
The fact of the matter is that Burning Man is just TOO BIG!! Everyone use to be mad at how much they have to pay to go to it but what they didn't realize is how expensive to was/or is to put on! Of course now there's at least 10 thousand burners who want to go and are willing to pay as much as they ask but can't because it's TOO BIG so now they're all dissenters because they didn't win the (literal) lottery to have an opportunity to buy a ticket!? Then there's the burners who can't afford a ticket if they won the lottery (like me) talking shit about how those who can are selling out to the Man and the greedy LLC who's retiring soon and turning it over to most likely people who were dissenters for a long while and now are going to become exactly who they hated and make the exact same decisions once they understand the situation surrounding the decisions and the fact that the options are always either not have the event or the other option and they will grow to hate and blame the BLM as much as we did who is just a federal "org" put in charge of managing land that nobody wants because there's nothing productive to be done with it other than throw a big party on it and establish a temporary city that packs up and leaves because no one really wants to live there all year.

To this!
I wish I didn't have to have these conversations or write these blogs every year! It just makes me so mad all the things I have to hear that are simply uneducated inexperienced opinions and opinions are like assholes ~ they stink! Everyone should just get together with their own damn friends, get a permit, and go build and burn their own damn man and see what happens then!

Build your own damn man!

Nov 13, 2013

turkey jerkin compost ramble on RANT!

Wild Turkey my totem right now
***background info for anyone else who reads this: I got kicked out of the fire circle/performance area at seacompression the weekend before last.... stupid unfair series of events basically. I dropped my cigarette butt 3 feet from the no smoking/fuel zone/fence line on my way back into it (actually it was around the side by the propane art sculpture things were, you had to cross about 10-15 meters from there to get anywhere near our lidded flammable liquid containers..) the wind blew and rolled it to within inside the fence about a 1/4 inch ~ strike one. I was desperate for some water for my sore throat/dry mouth sinus drainage exasperated by riding there on a motorcycle with no face shield! there was none. I kid you fucking not! I think the only place that had bottles of water at this rave party was the first aid station so I guess you had to hit serious dehydration levels before your only choice was something other than alcohol (or virgin cocktails if you're way smarter and less nervous than me before a performance..) so just before I dropped that cigarette I was running around looking for water in a panic because we went from having 45 min to 15 min suddenly as somebody made the decision to penalize us for being there on time and close to ready so the troupe who didn't have their shit together for whatever reason could relax 45 min and have our time slot... where was I? Yes, begging for water at the bar that wasn't open yet who told me I had to go inside and wait 20 min in line in there about 2 min after our set wasn't originally but was now suppose to start... Panicked! Okay they'll help me but they don't have any water.. how about I make you a cocktail she said? uh... gin & tonic... light on the gin, I'm performing like right NOW. yay, moisture for my mouth.. just drop cigarette, run in, take sip, set down and let's do this shit (fire show, baby!) woo....... guess the rest?
My best image from Seacompression :(

**that was a week and a half ago.. Monday my fire partner performing boyfriend and I break up because Saturday he tells me next weekend he has plans on Fri to take this girl he knows because she bartends at a bar he drinks at a lot out and show her around Pioneer Square because she's never been. AND I can't come because he doesn't want HER to feel like the third wheel (yeah, awful being single hanging out with people in relationships, right?) later he tells me she isn't single but of course my double date (her boyfriend or a 4th friend since they're just friends why can't we all be friends..) was shut down the sec I mentioned it.. really, now that I think about it ONLY A SINGLE PERSON CAN EVER BE A 3RD WHEEL!? he WAS utterly lying to me!! sob trying to slip back into some poly amorous crap without being mature enough to have a conversation about it?
A third wheel is usually called "your Spare"

*anyway, ur caught up now.. this started as a note to a girlfriend that I thought maybe I'd re-write and send to him.. the part about the fire show no no being such a deeply profound wound worse than I imagined.. but he doesn't give a fuck, he just wants to stick his little penis in Ballard bartender bitches! obviously wanting me to feel better is FAR from his agenda!
Screw you, your bike, and the 3rd wheel

so weird keeping up appearances for what feels at this point like an imaginary unreal fantasy thing ~ my fire troupe that I'm not allowed to perform in but elected myself the leader of regardless when there's nobody left in it (well except for T__ who uses the permit for Sat night gigs at Q) especially now that S__ and I broke up. huh, hasn't sunk in yet that really happened.. can't believe it :/ I've never been an insecure/jealous girlfriend before! but I've never been cut off from fire dancing, 86'ed from the fuel area like a dumb drunken redneck, and not allowed to do the one thing I live to do after 6 weeks of stressful preparation ~ perform! I live to perform! I am a fire performer! that's what I do, that's what I am! take that away from me and suddenly I'm an insecure pitiful puppet of a wannabe girlfriend that is suddenly terrified that everything I've ever been secure or confident about could drop like a cigarette ash and blow away...
Ouroboros chicken

I feel like a phoenix who's not about to rise from ash but has been stuffed, basted, and broiled up for holiday dinner!? this is new territory for me. how do you hold on to your dreams when your wing is some kid's wishbone? compost.. how does a phoenix rise up from compost? not a very sparkly myth now, eh? stinks worse than poop! oh but trust in your greasy tarragon flavored flimsy boiled boned wings that are probably somewhere in this heap that they will flap again and lift you into maybe a barn or at least some hay...... yep :|
Nobody loves me. Guess I'll go eat worms!

and suddenly S__ insists I should have trust in him, him going out with girls all the time (that probably have a job or something that makes them worthy feeling, therefore acting, therefore attractive, therefore a threat! I'm a chicken bone.. not a woman) is just something I have to deal with.. wow, really? right now? can't give me another week maybe before you ditch me in misery? I know he's young and was attracted to the big upcoming exciting fire show permit holding hot dancing woman.. so I couldn't help but feel like he's trying to blow me off & trying to go on a date w/ someone now that I have no more shows to offer and our big exciting sexy moment turned into me shitting in my pants and him having to take me home & change my diapers......

trying to point out how I feel right now hoping that he cares enough to try to understand and will be sympathetic & humanly compassionate in his behavior, judgment, treatment and actions (specifically.. make a point to make me feel included and never unwelcomed or a 3rd wheel) ~ backfired completely! only made me more pathetic, and less attractive to him, and made him want to spend even less time with me and even more likely to make ever more plans that don't include me, widen his social circles further beyond my reaches, and brazen his adamant independence...

fml! I have nothing in the world to be confident, proud, or secure about right now. I would dump me too! not sexy.. heh, at least I can always laugh at myself.... that's something! maybe..? I do have a knack for being able to pull myself out of the thick of shit and look at my self predicament from all perspectives including an inner comedian sketch artist looking for material.. we laugh because otherwise it hurts too much! maybe it hurts so much because otherwise we wouldn't laugh?
Didn't I try this once and hated it?
hmm, deep thoughts by... I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me. not funny! squished tomatoes flying at you to compost, ya turkey! compost, turkey, phoenix sounds like some serious alchemy animal medicine... Give away, burn off the dross, trust the process! I want a turkey feather tattoo. this has gone from rant to weird to random to absurd to madness... MUAHAHAHAHAH! Gobble gobble :P (few more..) Bahlasti Ompedha! Birds crap on your stupid head! and OM NAMAH SHIVAYA, SHIVAYA NAMAH OM
The Destroyer

Feb 3, 2012


Letter to the Washington State Health Care Authority (HCA) who only recognizes five formulations of medications in the treatment of addictions: Suboxone, buprenorphine, Campral, naltrexone and Vivitrol IM.

Dear HCA,

I would like to request or suggest that Buproprian be added to the list of recognized for use in Medication Assisted Treatment of cocaine, methamphetamine (MA), and nicotine addiction. ADATSA (Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Treatment and Support Act) is currently stifled by the fact that patients enrolled have to apply for additional Medical assistance after already waiting a month for their ADATSA assessment and benefits to go into effect because their chemical dependency is considered a behavioral problem. One of the reasons why MA use has escalated to an epidemic of epic proportions is this ill conceived notion that it is only a psychological addiction instead of a physical one. The difference between a psychological and physically addictive substance is the primary organ effected by it's use, heart or brain. Psychological addictions are not overcome by coaching an addict to think differently because the substance does not alter their brains by merely coaxing them to behave badly. MA profoundly alters the chemistry of the brain effecting the whole central nervous system! Just because a person can technically still be alive without brain function opposed to clinically dead if their heart stops which is the risk of ceasing opiate and alcohol intake, does not mean that the person has any less of a problem! If pharmaceuticals can treat or reduce the damage caused to a stimulant user's brain then they should be every bit as available since they suffer an increased debilitation in function if prolonged. Opiate users only confront their fear of a periodic painful discomfort trying to stop opposed to an unaided, involuntary lack of control of their decisions. The brain is complex chemistry, the heart is only a muscle...

Thanks for reading!


Dec 12, 2011

Today is the day..

...that I made the Sun come out inside of me! Hey look, it's shining down on you, and everyone I see. Hold a grudge though and you will see a cloud but that Sun is shining no matter what you see. Let the rain come and tomorrow you'll see. The Sun will shine until we are free ~

image from


Nov 4, 2011

whither the Demoness wails

There is no other day or night than this.
Thou shalt inspire the proud ones with infinite pride,
and the humble ones with an ecstasy of abasement;
all this shall transcend the Known and the Unknown

Thou art like a lonely pillar in the midst of the sea;
there is none to behold Thee
I too am the Soul of the desert;
thou shalt seek me yet again in the wilderness of sand.
Even as evil kisses corrupt the blood,
so do my words devour the spirit of man.

I breathe, and there is infinite dis-ease in the spirit.
Thou hast fastened the fangs of Eternity in my soul,
and the Poison of the Infinite hath consumed me utterly.

Then, O then call not to thy view that visible
Image of Nature; fatal is her name!
It fitteth not thy Body to behold
That living light of Hell,
The unluminous, dead flame,
Until that body from the crucible
Hath passed, pure gold!

There is a beauty unspeakable in this heart of corruption,
where the flowers are aflame.

Ah me!
The thirst of Thy joy parches up this throat,
so that I cannot sing.
Beckons, and with inverted torch doth stand
To lead us with a gentle hand
Into the Land of the Great Departed,

Into the Silent Land, I came to the house of the Beloved.
Therefore Thou art mine, even now and for ever and for everlasting. Amen.

Jul 21, 2011

this is life.. not just a photograph

Life is ridiculous! I'm currently stressing out of my mind trying to put together the most inspiring, believable, responsible, and effective application for the funding of an art project while the US government is approximately 2 weeks away from being completely broke... In the meantime I myself, who is also generally broke, am ignoring that fact to the extent of blowing off the few rare opportunities that actually have presented themselves this week to make enough money to comfortably live through this process (beer, cigarettes, food etc.. what? I'm an artist and I'm stressed!).. Why? Because it's a calling! Because I'm a fatalist.. Because it's not about me! Apparently I want to save the world more than I want to live on it.. Why? Because it's not worth living on if none are willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of their fellow man. That is the calling! That is why this art project to me has precedence over everything.. Because I believe it has the power to effect changes so great that it will stir awake a dormant level of the collective consciousness causing an evolutionary leap in the social art experiment, bridging the aspects of ourselves that tend to have a magnetic force field pushing against them. I know this project will make me whole. I know that if I lead a whole life by example others will follow suite. Why? Because I have a dream.. and in a world like this one sometimes a dream is the only thing you have that makes a single lick of sense therefore it is the most sensible gift to give no matter how unrealistic it appears against the background of everything else. Dreams happen for a reason and mine most often really do come true but not from wishing upon a star, but by being one! Every man and woman is a star forever blazing a path to eternity.. even when a brick fucking wall has been built in the center of it, just got lay it down. When there's nothing left at hand, still got to lay it down. Will you then get the funding for your art project? I don't know, I think I need to lay down and nap... but I'm not tired! I'm not dead yet! The time is at hand!

Just Sage

Btw for more info on my play/art project stay tuned to the feed at or LIKE  Namaste. Blessed be. So mote we be, free... LUX OM PAX 93 93/93

Feb 20, 2011

sabian symbolism is vivid

The Sabian Symbols are a set of 360 symbolic images associated with the 360 degrees of the zodiacal circle. They were given birth in San Diego, California, in 1925 by Marc Edmund Jones and Elsie Wheeler, an extraordinary clairvoyant. Today, the 360 symbols are widely used in astrology in order to gain a deeper understanding of the influence of a planet located at that degree. (hmm.. interesting! below are the sabian symbols for my own birthchart 2/13/76 info found on

Sun in Aquarius 25
Sabian Symbol: A butterfly struggles to emerge from the chrysalis and it seems that the right wing is more perfectly formed.
Kozminsky Symbol: A victor in a duel with a look of agony breaking his sword over his knee.

Moon in Cancer 28
Sabian Symbol: An American Indian girl, college trained but returned to her people, seeks to win their friendship for her lover.
Kozminsky Symbol: An old mill-wheel lying on the bank of a lily pond, with pretty creepers growing over it.

Mercury in Capricorn 29
Sabian Symbol: Afternoon tea is served in a gypsy parlor patronized by socialites and here a young lady reads the tea leaves.
Kozminsky Symbol: A dismantled fortress in ruins; near-by, an old man sitting on the ground, his back resting against a rock, with a sacred book beside him. His face expresses great sadness.

Venus in Capricorn 23
Sabian Symbol: The army is erect in a long faultless line as resplendent officers confer upon a private two awards for bravery.
Kozminsky Symbol: A dog, holding a bird in his mouth, running across a field of daisies.

Mars in Gemini 18
Sabian Symbol: Standing apart from the passing stream of well-dressed shoppers, two China-men in San Francisco are talking Chinese.
Kozminsky Symbol: An eagle wounded in flight swoops to a mountain ridge, where a brood of young ones rise from the drops of blood.

Jupiter in Aries 22
Sabian Symbol: A handsome grilled gateway opens to the garden of all desired things.
Kozminsky Symbol: A pilgrim crossing himself in front of an ancient temple, an overdressed official and a soldier mocking him.

Saturn in Cancer 28
Sabian Symbol: An American Indian girl, college trained but returned to her people, seeks to win their friendship for her lover.
Kozminsky Symbol: An old mill-wheel lying on the bank of a lily pond, with pretty creepers growing over it.

Uranus in Scorpio 8
Sabian Symbol: A beautiful gem of a lake set high in the mountains is revealed in the silvery bathing light of a full moon.
Kozminsky Symbol: A bundle of papers floating down a dark winding river under a starlit sky.

Neptune in Sagittarius 14
Sabian Symbol: A vast panorama of sand and time is unfolding -- the pyramids and the sphinx in their glory rise before the eye.
Kozminsky Symbol: A human eye surrounded by a circle of flames.

Pluto in Libra 12
Sabian Symbol: A worker's shift is finished and the miners emerge from their grimy hole into daylight and life above ground.
Kozminsky Symbol: A man falling from an insecure and broken bridge into a dark pit below.

Ascendant in Gemini 9
Sabian Symbol: A medieval archer stands with the ease of one wholly sure of himself, bow in hand and quiver filled with arrows.
Kozminsky Symbol: A hand holding a document on which is a crown and royal seal.

MC in Aquarius 20
Sabian Symbol: A large white dove circles about and about overhead and then descends and proves to be a carrier with a message.
Kozminsky Symbol: A quaint old chest standing in an old hall, a large key on the floor before it. Around are pieces of armor and old instruments of music. On the top of the chest is a dog asleep.


Feb 9, 2011


Do what thou will shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will.

There's a common misperception of Aleister Crowley as "the most evil man in the world" that would have such notions as "Man has the right to kill if he will" interpreted to mean murder but that is not what Thelemites are referring to at all, not in the slightest. They do mean it in the same argument used by gun enthusiast and members of the NRA but even then not quite as much as it would seem. The sentiment is that one should do what they will at all costs and if someone is hell bent on thwarting them, stopping at nothing, then one has the right to remove that obstacle so that their will can be accomplished. In the most basic sense it is the will to live, pure and simple. Man refuses to not adhere to the belief that he has a purpose in life due to the fact that he was born so it is fully justifiable to protect his own life from any and all adversary that would take it from him. Here the line is blurred in that we only perceive physical threat or rather acknowledge it in the here and now and only take action against it when it can be proven a clear and present danger when presented or maneuvered in the flesh of the one who is the originator of intent. Murder is otherwise celebrated as victory and success and exists in every single facet of Western civilization in a system known as capitalism. It is vitriol!

"Capitalism inevitably and by virtue of the very logic of its civilization creates, educates and subsidizes a vested interest in social unrest.
 -Joseph A. Schumpeter (1883–1950) Austrian-American economist

Why? Because by definition it is the privatization of the means of production, distribution, and exchange, characterized by the freedom of capitalists to operate or manage their property for profit in competitive conditions. Capitalism must first create a competitive condition in order to be sustainable. So what has become of this? A society conditioned to maintain a consistent rate of growth in order to establish a persistent need for commodities so that there is the constant opportunity for free enterprise to flourish. Doesn't sound bad, does it? Of course not, we are conditioned to be opportunist. Opportunity means freedom, not restraint, right? Freedom for the few to commit murder of the populace justified as success or survival of the fittest due to what the economists/psychologists/physicists (often referred to as Illuminati) keep secret yet is very much common knowledge amongst them: It is vitriol!

A growth rate of 7% which is perceived by most (myself included because I'm terrible at arithmetic) as reasonably low and harmless is perceived by capitalist as highly profitable. Why? Because anything with a growth rate of 7% will double in 10 years. You probably won't believe me if I tell you what this means to us as humans so I won't bother with explaining it.. I'll let professor do it instead. Here watch a bit of this:

Jan 17, 2011

the secret of a clown

well think I'm getting possessed by a demon again... but at least we know I'm good at it.

I remember why I decided to quit acting ~ because it would make me mad. so I agreed to only do clown skits that way I'm at least being upfront and honest about the use of smoke and mirrors.. I'm not fooling anyone. see there's a secret about being a clown ~ s/he's dead serious! why doesn't he tell anyone that? because they would never believe him. they would say he's surely gone mad.. so he let's them laugh instead. why would he let that happen? because he's not mad, just broken. some things are sacred ~ they can not be said without someone crying their self to death.. it is utterly true that you can die of a broken heart.

there is a river and it flows into the ocean. tears pour forth from the eyes of the goddess.. none can wonder why she is hurting. she hurts because she's born forth so many children. she loves all of them. because of this the clown exists, he the priceless one, is sworn to do her bidding. though she asks for nothing the fool insists on doing absolutely anything it takes to end once and for all everyone's pain and suffering. for some reason she cries even more because of it. not sure why this is though I can feel it. oh but now I cry and I can tell you why ~ it makes no sense! it's just way too beautiful.

I have no idea why beauty would make me cry but then again at last here I am. it's never too late to assume you know absolutely nothing because at least for once you'd finally be right about everything. ah, yes, conundrum. I like words. I refuse to do math since I already know what's called probability. I understand chaos well but surely you know by now, words fail, towers fall, and I think it's way too funny! I don't believe anyone had to test chaos theory but you know me, and I know absolutely nothing.

everything is sacred. there is nothing that isn't, no desolation of abominations oh my god though, it's fucking hilarious! who writes this shit? someone thank him, bless his heart! that was good. so now, will you all please take care? and if you do then please I am begging you ~ play apart and do make a show of it!

new classic clown character I'm thinking about developing call her "Good old puffy-eyed" or just Puffy yeah that works good! fyi or btw.. the other ones I call "Juju the Clown" and of course who'd forget "Meme the Mime" (pronounced mimi or me! me! get it? she is silent)

Jan 2, 2011

Know Thyself!

wow ~ this is the most in depth personality analysis I've ever been presented with on me, myself, & I! it's a free career assessment test that's surprisingly easy yet seems to get randomly get to your core values save to its randomness... perhaps? here take it ~

heheh.. no but seriously, it has got me nailed! check out the obvious as well as the deeper complexities I was less aware would be so obvious from a 71 multiple choice questioned exam:

  • Heather (my legal name btw) can actually experience a certain kind of mental claustrophobia that may have adverse effects activity.
  • Math may be about the same as a foreign language for Heather. At least, it is foreign to Heather's mental preferences in one-way or another. Mathematical problems seem to become bigger problems if Heather tries to solve them. (ha! no kidding..)
  • Heather is motivated to influence and convince others as part of social, organizational, vocational, or recreational activities. A motivation exists to speak up when there is reason, occasion, or opportunity to sway others to Heather's ideas or way of thinking.  
  • Heather is empathetically and sympathetically aware of the hurts, needs, problems, and wishes of others and is motivated to help whenever possible. There is inclination and willingness to get personally involved in the personal lives of others in order to help with one's talents and resources.
  • Heather looks for new options, challenges, assignments, acquaintances, relationships, and even new careers in new places as she tires of repetition. Even activities that were interesting at the start once they become routine (Ooo! look.. shiny) Heather finds a motivation to move on to new other things.
  • Heather is motivated to work on projects that are planned, scheduled, and completed. This indicates a preference to complete a project rather than leave it unfinished. But completion or achievement may be offset by switching to a project of higher priority and/or interest, with the hope that the uncompleted project may be done another day. What is not completed will probably be kept in mind until it is completed. (unfortunately..)
  • Motivational levels are highest for Heather when in the limelight where recognition is earned, deserved, or given. However, there is no "ego trip" involved in the effort. Heather can comfortably function in the foreground or the background. Nonetheless, recognition is motivational.
  • Heather is conscious of existence, meaning, purpose, potential and destiny of humankind, people, and self. Heather is motivated by a self-felt, self-accepted calling to the cause of good, growth, and gain in the lives of others.  Perception and thinking tend to be holistic and conceptual; i.e., seeing the big picture. 
  • Heather's preferences fully support holistic, conceptual perception, and thinking relative to the basic nature, utility, potential, or strategic possibility of what is being observed or considered. This includes intuition, insight, creativity, curiosity, experimentation, and innovation in various degrees. 
  • Heather's motivations are heightened significantly by persuasive, gregarious, auditory-musical, visual-artistic, and communicative traits to entertain others with intent to convince them toward a particular idea, viewpoint, direction, objective, or product. A high level of motivation exists because there is an element of risk involved where the effort has a goal tied to the end of the act.  
  • Heather has intuition and philosophical curiosity that causes an awareness of personality, intentions, emotions, ethics, values, and moods of other persons, and of self.
  • If it has philosophical or benevolent objectives, it will be a soft-sell. But if Heather is defending and/or championing the cause of the underdog or the less fortunate, then it will seem as if some modern-day Don Quixote and/or Joan of Arc are doing the persuading. (my voices were right!)
  • Heather has motivational levels that support operating heavy, mobile equipment such as trucks, earth-movers, cranes, etc. (meh.. it's just job but I like driving me some heavy machinery!)
  • Heather is strongly motivated to coordinate: to take actions, to manipulate that which is at hand in order to "get the show on the road."
  • Heather applies scientific/technical/logical thinking (to the fullest extent this ability exists) to identify, analyze, and solve challenges and/or problems; to collect data, establish facts, connect abstract and concrete variables, draw valid conclusions, determine appropriate action, devise strategies and systems to achieve objectives. (woah.. that's some potential, huh?)
  • Heather does not prefer activities requiring verbatim perception, recording, and/or processing of details, especially where numbers are involved. Heather may simply lack interest or the motivation to express self vocationally through the use of basic math skills while possibly quite capable. (just do we're clear.. heh)

Dec 27, 2010

spirit lust

As the dancer whirls, she chants in a strange, slow voice, quickening as she goes: Lo! I gather up every spirit that is pure, and weave him into my vesture of flame. I lick up the lives of men, and their souls sparkle from mine eyes. I am the mighty sorceress, the lust of the spirit. And by my dancing I gather for my mother Nuit the heads of all them that are baptized in the waters of life. I am the lust of the spirit that eateth up the soul of man. I have prepared a feast for the adepts, and they that partake thereof shall see God.

Feb 28, 2010

Surviving the Sick N Twisted Fashion Show

I let myself get a little down for the last hour or so because I am once again alone. I like being around people.. I'm a very social person who's claustrophobic. Dichotomy. That's been the word of the day.. or polarity and thus paradox. Success is always tempered... but the show must go On!

I'd say I certainly felt the full spectrum of emotions while working on this event. From pure elation to total breakdown.. all at once tonight even. I've never felt so dignified and utterly humiliated, proud and humble, surrounded and alone. The show was Brilliant!! Btw... heh :)

I was a model. I did both terrible and fabulous.. I was insecure and confident, nervous and calm... Love hurts! I love the work that I do but it hurts that I'm not paid much for my time and effort. Where does the love go? It doesn't seem to come back all that much... One more time with feeling? I feel too much!

I'm gonna write way more about this event and my experience as Model Liaison.. how much was involved in the planning of it. For now I'll just say EPIC

One week later 3/7:
.. with whole lot of deep self reflection and a bit of aftermath observation from a nice eagle eyed vantage point instead of sitting poolside or teaching kiddie pool wrestling classes at the Y to the next future go go dancing girls of america... I honestly have very little to say at all for American Gothique Magazine and hypothetical production company attached because I realized a lot of been there done that and have zero interest in repeating old high school glory days! I played "Alice" my senior year (in Wonderland) and I did the yearbook staff my sophomore year for some reason but it was kinda cool how I appeared to be about the most popular girl in my whole class that year but it was only the fact that I got to know the intensely shy quiet introverted boy who'd let me hide out with him from all the other stupid shit in the darkroom where images appear and everything else dissolved into fumes that don't care... I truly understand if you haven't had a Disney Princess moment and need to know that you truly are queen of your very own snowglobe.. by all means every girl deserves that! Just don't ever play poking games with guys in your scooby clan.. I repeat NO ROCKING THE MYSTERY MOBILE swear!? Not pimp unless you're into Austin Powers b&d humiliation.. oh and never trust a pirate but duh that's a no brainer.. I sound like Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Beware the ides of March and with that I'm just gonna *poof* DISAPPEAR woo hoo for rose tinted smoke & mirrors! :P

ciao x

Dialogue be damned

Whenever I reflect upon my short comings, paranoid thinking due to incidents of abuse in my formative years that shattered my trust, and the...