Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts

Dec 25, 2015

a gigantic infographic worthy problem that accomplishes no-thing

  I don't buy the disease model. Addiction as a permanent lifelong disease you'll never get rid of, which is what they tell you in rehab, is the most futile self perpetuating crock of shit I've ever heard! That's like a mother raising her child by saying "it's okay, honey. you didn't know any better" over and over to the same behavioral issue. The kid grows up to tell his boss he didn't know it's not okay to piss in someone's cheerios, does that make it okay? No. I believe addicts are stuck in this same quagmire of super negative social stigma coupled with criminal associations thanks to the "war on drugs".  Reagan's backwards propaganda was every bit as effective as would have been a "war on dogs" would have been on house breaking puppies. Would you shoot a puppy for pooping on the carpet? Then don't shoot a fucking unarmed black kid!!! I digress ~ 


  The problem is where you see in this chart below the "frustration" or anxiety and also the "shame" parts of the cycle are always there with or without using the substance. You know what's caused me to relapse every time? People assuming I'm using when I'm not so I suddenly think why be so miserable with the struggle if everyone assumes I'm using anyway?! That's right, you my friends, don't have the slightest will to want to help. Nobody does! They all want you to be more of a disaster than they are so they continue to stigmatize you long after you're well into recovery. I was clean for a year and a half when I had this wannabe nemesis go spreading it around that I'm a tweaker.. suddenly people who have known you for YEARS and never even suspected NOW look at you differently. 


"Oh.. you're one of those! I never would have hung out with you if I had known you were one of those."

I actually had this woman who I use to see black out drunk begging for cocaine at every single party while I was just my usual norm say that to me word for word after I told her I quit, I use to do that... Damned forever and nothing you can do about it, yeah? Well, then.. Fuck it! Doesn't even God forgive us for our sins but not drunk punk rock girl, nor boss man, nor ex best friends, definitely not the cops so whiskey tango foxtrot...
--------------------Hey, I know the solution.. How about an infographic?*!*?*! Yeah, that fixes everything:

Cycle of Addiction
Via Recovery Connection
View More Addiction Related Infographics

  The following video is precisely what I've been saying for years! Screaming, and crying, and humbly begging to be heard and understood.. My favorite is there's a "harm reduction" principle that's catching on slightly or slowly at least as far as heroin is concerned where the thought is give the addict prescription methadone rather than have them doing black market bought imported by global terrorist organizations and the Mexican Mafia is one of those as well so that at least the addict is not adding crime and those risks along with the health problem. But then there's the disease model that says an addict will do or say anything to get high and has no mind for self care or harm reduction or healthy lifestyle like he's just a zombie saying "drugggzzz?". Because no addict ever used a drug or substance to self medicate themselves ever and if doctors were willing to treat the initial problem then there is a very good chance that the addict will recover because there's no longer the problem that had them turning to illegal street criminal or should we say enemy combatant supplied medications. You can be a 10 year old kid with a minor behavior problem and will get spoon fed ADHD l-amphetamine but if an adult using the exact same thing for lack of focus, motivation, sleep problems due to performance anxiety, depression etc says they would really like to remove the horrible stigma and rejoin the good ole system of society by switching to a once a day pill instead of the pipe ~ 


"NO! You're an addict! You must suffer and be stigmatized the rest of your life as a failure so you will fail over and over and over...." 
Why? 
"Because we like to feel superior and your need for medication is different from our thyroid pill, or our diet coke, or coffee, or sugar etc. We want to brand you bad so we don't feel fat or diabetic because it's not our fault, we didn't know any better..." 


"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection."


I wanna find my rat community compound party

Jul 30, 2015

a letter for an ex and his newest "love"

Hey Jeremiah ~

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO SPEND MORE THAN 2 MO AT A TIME OF EVERY 2 YEARS OF YOUR ENTIRE ADULT LIFE ACTUALLY SINGLE AND ALONE GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF and maybe discover why can't stay with a woman for more than 2 years or at the very least confront and admit you have a problem with this ridiculously redundant pattern?! 

Jeremiah and Medea approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Brittany, they're in love. 

You might actually grow up in that time and learn to be honest with yourself so that you quit telling those hurtful lies that betray the trust of the people who open themselves up to be utterly annihilated by your immature role playing game of replicating your father instead of healing those wounds and transcending them. 

JJ and Brittany (left: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with me swearing he was going to stay single for a year... right: a year later around approx. their 1 year anniversary)

"If I live till I'm 102 just don't think I'll ever get over you..."


Me and Jeremiah (bottom 2: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Amber.. on the L: the day we met when he told me he just got out of a relationship and was going to remain single for a year... Top L: our 1 year anniversary dinner celebration precisely a year to the day later..)

You're a destroyer of lives! I'm still not alright! Now you're dating a woman with a child, are you serious?! You're not. Tell her you're not. Tell her what you told me near the end, that you don't think you'll ever be married. That you habitually change women every 2 years like clockwork... Switch! 1-2 switch! That when you say "I unequivocally and irrevocably am in love you!" you lie! That contract will be revoked undubitously in 2 years ~ Medea,


Mark my words.. if ever there was a guarantee based on history it is this. Don't believe me cuz I'm just a psycho drug addled ex? Ask Rachel! She tried to warn me about it because I just like you thought he was my forever live happily ever after... See what comes next?

JJ and Amber 

There was a photo on her FB of the two of them that looked like a wedding photo but I don't remember her last name and this is surely enough creepy stalking/ psycho ex crap for one day... not to imply I do it often and/or intend to do it again! Seriously I'm not a total masochist. FB just placed you first in my "people you might know" and there I discovered merely maybe 3 months if even after I heard him and B split is someone pronouncing him "her love" and happiness. Who the fuck falls head over heels in love in less than 2 mo after being in love with someone else for 2 years? Have you ever been completely in love and then again almost immediately without at least 6 or so months to grieve, find yourself again, then meet somebody but insist you take it slowly?! What's the odds that someone could have such unbelievable luck in love??? Something's not right. I was left devastated and checked myself into rehab to prevent committing suicide. 6 months after I got out I started sorta seeing a rebound guy but he was rebounding too so we casually dated (only spent one night a weekend on average together) for 8 months and never uttered the ILY. After that about 1.5 yr clean when I realized it wasn't going to get any better, that I was still not over J, I relapsed...



"In the tapestry of fate each thread comes to an end." The Demoness returns to accept her fate except she is cursed, there is no redemption for her. No wings, no love, only acceptance and maybe peace after the decline of humanity.. Hope it's comforting. 


I'm trying to heal. I've been horribly damaged by him and haven't had a good healthy relationship since and I don't honestly know if I ever will trust and completely open my heart up to be in love ever again. He destroyed that. He was my one true love, I was just a Demoness he needed to fulfill his own selfish dream. He promised me that after I helped him launch AE he would help me with my play. Then we did AE again, and again, and again, and when I finally said "that's it! my turn now?" he was finished.


Protect your kid. He will never play house with you and be a family unit. His family is AraKus and despite all of his friends being married now, it will never happen! Don't delude yourself! Stand guard of your heart and most especially your child. Mine died (cat) 2 weeks after he left on xmas eve. Great punctuation to my tragedy, eh? I'll never understand why that had to happen that way. It was a symbolic death of my spirit and it's yet to be reborn fully transcended yet. Perhaps if I reach through to you and stop the pattern, prevent you from becoming so broken, maybe then I can finally let it go? I don't know, I don't know.... Blessed be. 

Jun 4, 2015

Happens to me every time...


I can't believe I fall for it every single time no matter how many times it's happened before! I don't think I'll ever learn or not hope for once I've found a real catch and we obviously can't teach men how not to effect us like this.. So let's say a guy hasn't msg'd or been around for a few days leaving you wondering if he's moved as he certainly hasn't been thinking of you like you have been him.. then finally sends a text with:


What are you up to tonight?

I, or let's just say the girl, always reads this as if it says:

Sorry I've been busy, babe, but I intend to make it up to you. What are you doing tonight?

When what he's saying is nothing of the sort. In fact, he thinks he's is totally being cool and considerate by out of the blue engaging her with totally meaningless idle chit chat. Whatever you are up to that evening is of no real concern to him whatsoever as he's just hoping to engage her in a conversation on any sort of random topic that's NOT what he has been up to nor what he's actually doing himself that evening but he knows if he doesn't text her at all a 3rd night in a row she will certainly question his modus operandi as she'll want to know why he hasn't checked in. "What are you up to tonight?" isn't a date proposal as she delights in the notion of, he already has plans and he hoped that she has some herself by now so she's the one who's got a problem with fomo. She however has awaited this feeling of alas a lawless victory! So she responds with something cheerful and casual yet assumes the prize is in her bag:

Going crazy.. wanting to see you! Come watch that movie or do that thing you said earlier we'd do sometime this week and you have to work the rest of it other than tonight, right?

....

No response for a couple hours as he struggles with how he can possibly tell her the truth is he made plans with his bros he works with and sees every other day of the week on his one night off instead of meaning what he said he'd do. He simply though saying it would placate her and she'd get bored I guess and find someone else to help her with the task she only asked him to help her with as an excuse to spend some time being sweet to him.. Meanwhile she has proceeded to get into the shower or start making them both dinner or tidying up in prep for his imminent arrival he's only waiting to determine which bus he can catch before giving her an accurate eta... He responds off topic trying to turn that tactic into an 0 for 3 as successful stalling.

What time is your thing tomorrow?

9ish.

I'll try to make it but I have to switch my shift at work. 


 ....
 
You're not coming over tonight are you?


No...



Now she feels worse than she would have if she hadn't even heard from him instead of being lifted by her wishes, hopes, and spoken promises... and then dropped back down to Earth causing another crack to appear in her heart.

Jul 24, 2014

Breaths can't collapse if you hold them

Every time I look at you I think about how much I'll miss you when you pass away. I want to freeze every frame into the machine of my brain so I may gaze longingly at these pictures of you and not watch them decay. Don't go, true love, please stay! If there's ever a way to stop my dreams from happening I wish to stop this one but I'm too wise to know I should focus on the quality of life and not the time. Be still my mind and better still, be blind. 



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