Oct 29, 2013

significant succubus and such

So I've decided to take my industrious artistic entrepreneurial spirit to the next level and am currently filling out an application for admissions into an online college and go for a bachelors degree in Business...

It's funny these essay questions.. I'm currently stumped on what should reasonably be one of the easiest ones:

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence.

The last time I was seeking admissions into school this would have been easy and obvious. I would have chosen one of my two favorite teachers from high school, Mr. Cook who was my drama instructor and insisted that I was good enough to pursue a career in theatre, or crap.. um, Ms. Thisdale I think who was the faculty adviser for Amnesty International which I was secretary/treasurer of as well as the environmental club which I was president of. After college instead of starting to teach right away she took 5 years off and did the Greenpeace type thing spending the majority of that time working in a Tibetan refugee camp. She told social studies and she just brought about a worldly knowledge of the subject as well as instilled a sense of civil unrest in me making me aware of conditions beyond the posh 3rd world conditions where I grew up and the importance of having compassion for all of Earth's inhabitants. She died from thyroid or brain cancer a few years after I graduated and I regret that I never went back and visited her and told what a good job she'd done as a teacher in my case and how much she profoundly shaped my whole entry and attitude in early adulthood. Hmm.. maybe I will doing it on her. This is sounding good and it's certainly over 70 words.. but likely over 100 which sucks, I hate cutting my expressions short. It's stifling.. reminds me of that artist's statement I had to write for an art grant that was perfect until I went through and trimmed out as many pronouns, long words, and prepositional phrases as I possibly could to make it fit within the character limits and suddenly it read like utter cracked out gibbering nonsense.

So I had thought that perhaps being 20 years out of high school those influences weren't really relevant anymore. I have most certainly had several major and more significant influences since then but here's the conundrum.. which one? My friend Freedom was huge! But what do I say.. he was this beautiful amazing hippie musician who's music brought about a deep a personal spiritual connection to my holy guardian angel and/or native american spirit animal and made me remember past lives where we once lived together as a tribe in harmony with nature? I don't like talking about my hippie days. It was thoroughly heart breaking how young dumb and naive we were thinking we would change the world! I ended up becoming a drug addicted goth pagan seeking out initiation or rather just recognition in a certain secret magickal order that's only purpose it served was teaching me an unexpectedly hard lesson again in having high hopes of spiritual attainment and accomplishment within a brotherhood. Apparently even if you swear an oath of loyalty for life you might not get the same in return. Yet again my most sincerest ambitions of being disciplined and doing good things for myself and the world resulted in me finding myself in the middle of a big mass of drama I had no influence or control over whatsoever but was pulled into by default after which I was utterly abandoned by those I so devotionally put my utmost trust in. I'm still completely dumbfounded, angry, and hurt. But that was a significant influence on my life for better or baffling.

What next? Well jeez, that actually furthered a whole slew of repetitive patterning where I committed myself fully to a project or group and was eventually removed and continue to this day to watch others reap the benefit of my blood, sweat, and tears. The most significant person who influenced my life in the past 5 years was the love of my life who utterly gut wrenchingly broke my heart and refuses to even acknowledge or credit me for any of the massive success he's had as a result of my most passionate dedication to seeing to the accomplishment of his dream. See.. none of this deeply personal trauma/drama is appropriate for such a vague generic question on a college application. I guess I should just do a standard mom or dad response or Gandhi. Well typing this has helped me put my life into perspective for sure! I hate how with all the boundless blessing I've received in my life, I think and feel like I'm a victim. It goes back to that one World History teacher in high school who taught me that no matter how hard I could ever perceive my life to be there are millions who have it way incredibly worse! Yep, her.. now to make sure I got her name right. Theresa Thisdale or Thomas maybe Thompson. I have one single friend from there on Facebook who I can ask.. she's actually the one who told me she died.

Next? Heh.. yay life!

Oct 28, 2013

In dreams..

I don't know what it is.. I'm just cursed. In dreams I feel alive. In dreams I feel I live...

Oct 25, 2013

DREAM: the other woman

Damnit! Why do I keep dreaming about Jxxx & Bxx? It's like the 3rd time this week! Why does it keep happening?

It's usually just me hanging out with them in a large group setting but kinda forcibly like we're all sleeping on the floor of their bedroom.. Jx is always really nice like we're good friends and Bxx is always weird and caddy about it.

There's always a bed, that's one of the consistent dream symbols. There's always a conversation with them in bed but they're lying on opposite ends of like a queen size bed as if they don't want to make me uncomfortable by being close together and that could be understandably why she's annoyed. I would be too! But why do I keep dreaming this?? Is it just some sorta unconscious need to feel or know that my connection with him is different and unique from what they share? I know that already! I don't know need to have it acted out on the dreambox sound soap stage to know that! I am gaining some satisfaction from seeing her annoyed and feeling slightly threatened by me, she did hit on him and flirted with him right in front of me! But it's making me really annoyed and uncomfortable! I feel like I need to apologize for the intrusion. I want nothing to do with them and their lives! I am perfectly content with only getting the absolute vaguest and extremely occasional news report which consist of nothing more than they're still together, he still lives in Mxxx, she still lives on Cxx, he still works in Seattle. Yesterday his brother informed me (me as well as all his FB friends) that he switched xx clinics to one in Gxxx or lake somewhere around there. That tidbit of info shouldn't trigger an intimate dream conversation, right? They're so real too and I feel like this setting is being forced on me too although in the dream I effectively play the aggressor ~ cool, calm, and confident, like I'm actively trying to make waves in their relationship but the truth is I don't want to be there and I'm torn apart on the inside. I'm just trying to do my best to handle the situation with dignity and the wedge that's lodged is all Bxx. She could have easily gone on the offense and clung to him and made me a pithy wreck where I couldn't even look nor speak to him.



Is this practice for some reason? Am I going to be forced to be a part of their lives again? Or is this just Venus in retrograde plus conjunct my natal Venus stuff? (plus Merc, Sun, Pluto all conjunct or nearly conjunct the same aspect in Capricorn which is my 8th house..) Of course the astrology is influencing it but that fact still doesn't tell me why is it playing out in this particular way for me nor is this a premonition like nearly all my realistic dreams (combined w/symbolism though never straight envisioned as will happen precisely) OR unconscious healing and processing or revenge like XX said? 

I don't get it. I'm sick of it! I want answers now. Angel send me insight! Please and thank you for your presence... Om

At last.. Victory means Validation!

I had an appointment today with the clinical psychologist who serves as the director of Harborview Mental Health & Recovery Services....