Dec 25, 2015

a gigantic infographic worthy problem that accomplishes no-thing

  I don't buy the disease model. Addiction as a permanent lifelong disease you'll never get rid of, which is what they tell you in rehab, is the most futile self perpetuating crock of shit I've ever heard! That's like a mother raising her child by saying "it's okay, honey. you didn't know any better" over and over to the same behavioral issue. The kid grows up to tell his boss he didn't know it's not okay to piss in someone's cheerios, does that make it okay? No. I believe addicts are stuck in this same quagmire of super negative social stigma coupled with criminal associations thanks to the "war on drugs".  Reagan's backwards propaganda was every bit as effective as would have been a "war on dogs" would have been on house breaking puppies. Would you shoot a puppy for pooping on the carpet? Then don't shoot a fucking unarmed black kid!!! I digress ~ 


  The problem is where you see in this chart below the "frustration" or anxiety and also the "shame" parts of the cycle are always there with or without using the substance. You know what's caused me to relapse every time? People assuming I'm using when I'm not so I suddenly think why be so miserable with the struggle if everyone assumes I'm using anyway?! That's right, you my friends, don't have the slightest will to want to help. Nobody does! They all want you to be more of a disaster than they are so they continue to stigmatize you long after you're well into recovery. I was clean for a year and a half when I had this wannabe nemesis go spreading it around that I'm a tweaker.. suddenly people who have known you for YEARS and never even suspected NOW look at you differently. 


"Oh.. you're one of those! I never would have hung out with you if I had known you were one of those."

I actually had this woman who I use to see black out drunk begging for cocaine at every single party while I was just my usual norm say that to me word for word after I told her I quit, I use to do that... Damned forever and nothing you can do about it, yeah? Well, then.. Fuck it! Doesn't even God forgive us for our sins but not drunk punk rock girl, nor boss man, nor ex best friends, definitely not the cops so whiskey tango foxtrot...
--------------------Hey, I know the solution.. How about an infographic?*!*?*! Yeah, that fixes everything:

Cycle of Addiction
Via Recovery Connection
View More Addiction Related Infographics

  The following video is precisely what I've been saying for years! Screaming, and crying, and humbly begging to be heard and understood.. My favorite is there's a "harm reduction" principle that's catching on slightly or slowly at least as far as heroin is concerned where the thought is give the addict prescription methadone rather than have them doing black market bought imported by global terrorist organizations and the Mexican Mafia is one of those as well so that at least the addict is not adding crime and those risks along with the health problem. But then there's the disease model that says an addict will do or say anything to get high and has no mind for self care or harm reduction or healthy lifestyle like he's just a zombie saying "drugggzzz?". Because no addict ever used a drug or substance to self medicate themselves ever and if doctors were willing to treat the initial problem then there is a very good chance that the addict will recover because there's no longer the problem that had them turning to illegal street criminal or should we say enemy combatant supplied medications. You can be a 10 year old kid with a minor behavior problem and will get spoon fed ADHD l-amphetamine but if an adult using the exact same thing for lack of focus, motivation, sleep problems due to performance anxiety, depression etc says they would really like to remove the horrible stigma and rejoin the good ole system of society by switching to a once a day pill instead of the pipe ~ 


"NO! You're an addict! You must suffer and be stigmatized the rest of your life as a failure so you will fail over and over and over...." 
Why? 
"Because we like to feel superior and your need for medication is different from our thyroid pill, or our diet coke, or coffee, or sugar etc. We want to brand you bad so we don't feel fat or diabetic because it's not our fault, we didn't know any better..." 


"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection."


I wanna find my rat community compound party

Dec 23, 2015

This may be the most profound thing I've ever had to say.. thanks



[facebook status update:] "It's coming up on NYE here and I've gotta say if it weren't for all the BS rejection and ostracism I've suffered in my life for all your less than honorable and ethical reasons.. I wouldn't have been forced to rise above all your petty clique shit and move ONWARDS towards the breach and MY REAL TRUE DREAM, oh dear friends.. so Thank you very much, each and every single one of you!! 

Namaste, bitches! :P HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"



 K peace ~

Dec 12, 2015

Top 3 Reasons why Women don't Respond to you on Tinder

Reasons Why Girls Don't Respond on Tinder

1.) We have too many options. Apparently the male to female ratio on Tinder is around 10 to 1. This means for every match you acquire she just acquired 10 new matches to try to respond to. In 3 days I acquired 37 new matches and I'm using a cheater app where I can flip through candidates without having to make a final decision to try to SLOW DOWN the process. Men on the other hand use cheater apps to try to increase their matches by liking large quantities at a time. If a woman was to do this she would easily have over a hundred matches by a week no matter how attractive she is or isn't but as you guys know, if she were to attempt to converse with all of them yet is not attractive she would be unmatched or ignored as men aren't any better than we are at responding on there even having far less quantity to have to deal with. 

2.) You didn't give us enough of a hook to lure us in either your profile blurb or your personal intro to us or both. Let's see.. you climb mountains, go fishing, like football (GO HAWKS!), enjoyed a day on a boat once, like the outdoors, are adventurous, you're new to Seattle (like 30,000 other tech workers) have a car, and a job (we got it), a bunch of friends, a hot ex, are totally happy with yourself so you're quite the catch, aren't you? You and precisely 80% of the other men who are also hot in sunglasses and baseball caps or sunglasses with beards. You're smart, do the math! For every message you send we have to respond to 10. That means we need to use discernment and after the 4th or 5th "Hey! How's it going?" that has nothing interesting or different for a subject which we can attempt to strike up an actual reasonably real conversation, we're out! No more "Hi. Pretty good, dude. How are you?" 

3.) You didn't give them good enough pictures to be able to tell what you really look like. Sure, a little mystery is alluring. A side profile staring in the sunset, a hot body jumping off a cliff, a painting presumably yours since you claim to be an artist, another backlit profile artsy image of band playing live and presumably the forefront microphone passionately singing one is you though the hair is different from the first image. We're interested! Musicians are hot! But why did you not give us an honest, normal, well lit, head on, semi close up/selfie (not mirror selfie body with your phone blocking your face) range shot? This is pretty much a minor form of catfishing, we'll call it jellyfishing: pretty from a distance but guaranteed to have a stinger somewhere. 


Nov 14, 2015

how to quickly get to know your date

This is going to sound pretty terrible to even suggest, but the best way to really get to know someone you're dating, and cut to the chase without having to go through months of politely getting to know them... 

..is to (accidentally) stand them up! 



Seriously, all the shit flies out in an instant! IF they handle it without losing their cool, AND they're willing to forgive you, you have got one good prospect on your hands and you should consider them a keeper. 


BUT if they behave as mine did who I did not actually intend to stand up and honestly thought had either not received my rendezvous instructions yet or was blowing me off.. but I care not to explain how his assumptions were incorrect (to him) because I realized by him absolutely jumping to conclusions and FREAKING OUT about it, he is not emotionally mature enough to date plus he apparently was dumped 2 days ago though we'd been talking to each other for over a week..? I'm not even sure how else to take his pity party over texting that's still continuing as we speak the day after other than "ba-bye"



Nov 9, 2015

way more than you could ever want to know unless you're thinking about marrying me...


THE RISING SIGN OR ASCENDANT

The sign that is on the eastern horizon at the moment of birth is called the Rising Sign or the Ascendant. The Ascendant marks the difference in temperament, disposition, physical appearance and personality of individuals. It is the lens through which everything else in the chart is focused or looked through, thus coloring the way we look at everything. People see us through our rising sign and we see the world through our rising sign. 

YOUR ASCENDANT IS:
GEMINI risingPeople with Gemini rising tend to be friendly, communicative, flexible, indecisive, unsure, liking to do two or more things at once, witty, clever, very active mentally, high-strung, temperamental, nervous or anxious, talkative, superficial, and always ready for something different. There may be two distinct sides to you as Gemini represents the Twins. You have a strong need to communicate what you already know and to learn more. You enjoy reading and traveling as they both give plenty of scope for picking up new knowledge. You need variety and can be the jack of all trades and the master of none. You tend to go wide — for breadth, not depth. You may appear confident, but you can lack self-confidence and inner sureness. You love to talk, both with your mouth as well as your hands. Spiritual lesson to learn: Control (learn to control and not scatter energies and to prioritize). Mercury rules Gemini so Mercury will be important in your chart.

PLANETARY ASPECTS

If the planets represent energies and cosmic forces that manifest in different ways, then the planetary aspects show how these energies and forces tend to act and react, one with another, if the will of the person is not brought into play to change them. It is the spiritual task of each person to use the positive energies in such ways so as to change the negative energies into positive energies. Negative energies are simply energies that are either misdirected, misapplied, or applied in too great a quantity. One of our purposes in life is to transform the negative energies into positive ones through the use of our Will.
Moon blending with Saturn (power = 10.98 and this aspect is discordant = -5.49)
You tend to be serious and emotionally reserved. You perhaps did not have a happy early upbringing where you were able to play a lot or express yourself in a spontaneous, childlike manner. You are cautious about letting others get close to you and you sometimes feel a need to withdraw from people altogether. You feel isolated and alone, even when you are with other people. You have learned to appreciate your own company and to keep yourself busily occupied with solitary activities in order to preserve your emotional well-being. You are an ambitious person who wants to find some area of life to excel in. You take your responsibilities very seriously and you work long and hard to finish what you have started. You have tremendous organizational skills. You want some kind of position of control or authority and that is what drives you. Perhaps this is your defense mechanism to show the world that you are worthy of love and respect, the kind of love and respect that was perhaps missing as you were growing up. Your emotions are inhibited by Saturn's cold, restrictive influence, so you are somewhat shy with a tendency toward gloomy, melancholy and depressive moods. And as thoughts are things, this attitude brings you just what you are thinking. You easily doubt your own abilities and that is why you are striving so hard to prove something. Your constant need for reassurance from others can drive friends and loved ones away. You must learn to handle your fears and insecurities so that you do not make your situation worse. You are extremely sensitive and worry much too much about what others think of you. You lack self-esteem. On the positive side, though, this aspect helps to steady the emotional nature, it deepens the mind and it gives greater power for concentration. You need to cultivate an optimistic frame of mind. Strive to open yourself to others and to go out of your way to help them instead of worrying about just your own little petty concerns.

Moon discordant to Mercury (power = 10.54 and this aspect is discordant = -10.54)
You are articulate, expressive and witty, but you may lack persistence and depth, in both thought and action. Your memory is not that good and you lack mental stability. You find it difficult to make any sort of decision and are subject to much worry, usually over trivial things that never happen. Your nervous habits can be irritating to others. You have a tendency to gossip behind other people's backs. You stretch the truth for your own purposes. You have a natural interest in people and their inner motivations, feelings, personal lives, and experiences. You are a natural listener with a talent for getting others to talk about their lives, dreams, desires — the things that are personally meaningful to them. You have a particular interest in the past. You like sharing stories about your roots and are generally concerned either with personal history (childhood and early family experiences, genealogy, etc.) or with the roots and origins of societies (archeology, mythology, history, etc.). You are nostalgic and love to hear others' life stories and to discuss your own experiences and feelings.

You need to balance your mind and your emotions by bringing reason to your emotional reactions. You tend to be totally logical at times or totally emotional. You have a keen mind, but can have a sharp tongue which hurts other people. You should hesitate before speaking to make sure that your words are a constructive and accurate blend of feelings and reason. You are high-strung, restless and nervous and can be very irritable at times. You have a great need to be understood and loved.

Mercury discordant to Saturn (power = 10.52 and this aspect is discordant = -15.78)
Your mind is scientific, serious, deep and capable of great concentration. You are a relatively slow thinker, but you are very thorough. You enjoy studying or thinking in solitude and you rarely offer an opinion on any matter until you have thoroughly considered it. You are subject to periodic bouts of depression and melancholy and are cautious and reserved by nature. Conservatism is your natural mode of operation. You are something of a skeptic and may be narrow-minded and closed to new ideas, especially if you have no concrete proof or scientific evidence as to their validity and correctness. You have an aptitude for research or doing mental work which requires precise, organized thinking, attention to detail, and a methodical approach. Socially, you tend to be reserved, serious, uncommunicative and uncomfortable with light, frivolous conversation. Anything that doesn't accomplish something practical and productive is considered more or less a waste of time and energy. People who listen to you talk know that you speak with the confidence of authority. You have wonderful organizing ability and executive capacity. You are practical and deliberate and you have difficulty expressing your affection for others. You have a tendency toward tooth decay.

Mental cruelty is possible. You tend to have fears and worries that are unreasonable. Instead of planning you focus on worry. You are distrustful or fearful of anything you cannot understand with your rational mind. You should develop more awareness so that you do not interpret what others say to you in a negative manner. You may have difficulties in verbally communicating what you mean to say to others, so that misunderstandings occur on both sides. You are such a conservative in your thinking that you prefer to stay with ideas that work for you rather than adopting new ones. It would at times, though, be to your advantage and listen to new concepts and to try them occasionally. Be careful that you do not get into the habit of rationalizing everything such that any means to an end is acceptable as long as you believe it. You have a tendency to go to extremes with details. Some of the details are not important. There is a tendency to strain on the nervous system through stress or overwork.

Mars discordant to Neptune (power = 7.76 and this aspect is discordant = -9.69)
The danger with this aspect is that you tend to want to escape from reality and avoid your day-to-day duties and responsibilities. If this escapism tendency is carried too far, you may seek outlet through drugs or alcohol, both of which will eventually ruin your life. Ordinary life seems dull and drab to you and you feel a need for something that stirs your imagination, some vision or ideal or cause that motivates you. Without such an impetus you tend to procrastinate doing the things in your life that you need to be doing. People count on you and you let them down in any manner of ways. People then lose their respect for you and eventually avoid having anything whatsoever to do with you. You may have difficulty separating truth from fiction or fantasy from reality. You need to stay grounded and disciplined so that you can remain functional. Yes, it's true that your real home is in the spiritual worlds, yet you must live your earth life here and learn as much as you can from your experiences in concrete existence. That is what we are all here for. So stop thinking about skipping out on the school of life and get back to business.

It is possible, though, that you can really pursue your dreams and bring them into reality. You have the ability to do this if you approach it the right way. The right way is in staying focused, centered and disciplined. Nothing worthwhile can be accomplished without discipline and you need to realize that if you do not already. You are an artist at heart, whether your medium is song, dance, drama, poetry, music, art or painting. Any of these allow you to express the feelings you have inside and that gives your emotions release from the day-to-day tribulations of living. Your imagination is capable of quite a great deal if you will simply keep it in check and not allow it to run away from you.

Work that serves only your own narrow personal interests does not satisfy you. You need something more in your life than just living for yourself. You may lack the competitive edge, the fighting spirit, the me-first attitude that is often required for material advancement and success. Of course you simply may not have much earthly ambition. You also have the tendency to either overestimate or underestimate your own power and abilities. There is deception and self-delusion present, either on your part or on the part of others that you come into contact with. You are an easy target for swindlers and con-men because you are a sucker for a sob story. You must realize that most people have to learn to help themselves. You cannot save the world, as much as you might like to do so. The only one you can save is yourself. And that is no easy task for any of us.

There is the tendency here to get involved in co-dependent relationships. Either you or your partner or both knowingly or unknowingly play the role of martyr, victim or savior. You must realize that any relationship that isn't based on equality is eventually doomed to failure.

This aspect may make your nature coarse and sensual, impulsive and irascible, militant and extravagant in speech and action, self-indulgent to a degree in whatever direction your passions may lead you and unable to exercise restraint over yourself in any direction. It tends to give a fanatical spirit which may express itself in either religion or atheism. There can be tendencies toward lawlessness. Self-control is the saving grace that you need to develop.

You do have talent, even though it is easier for you to doubt your abilities and to question your own worth. Your lack of self-esteem is distorting the truth and you must work your way through the illusion. The challenge is to conquer discouragement. You see failure as an indication of your unworthiness to merit rewards or success. To dissipate your feelings of unworthiness, you may resort to placing the blame for your failure upon others until your gossiping even convinces you it is the truth. Eventually, when the real truth is revealed, you suffer greatly, for you have made yourself unbelievable to others. You could save yourself much inner distress if you would recognize that failures are simply spiritual stumbling blocks which test everyone's courage in picking themselves up again without emotional turmoil. Any suffering you experience will, in the long run, teach you obedience and that is one of the roads that leads to God. Self-forgetting service to others is another road that is safe and sure.

Be careful of the people and situations you associate with as not everyone is really whom they say they are. Some may be secret enemies from past lives who are conscious or unconscious agents of God acting so that you may reap what you have sown previously. Stay away from negative psychic influences such as Ouija boards, séances, hypnotism and mediums. There is an urgent need for you to be totally honest with yourself and others.

Venus discordant to Jupiter (power = 6.63 and this aspect is discordant = -1.66)
There are many possibilities with this aspect. Perhaps you will try to have a relationship with one who has completely different interests than you. Perhaps your devotion to some pet cause is annoying to the one who is nearest and dearest to you. Or you may be financially wasteful or extravagant, or perhaps bombastic in your appearance. There are tendencies here for self-indulgence and over-extravagance and your love or cravings for rich, sweet food can cause you trouble with your health in the form of circulation and weight problems due to excess. Perhaps you do not value what you own because it has all come too easily. Maybe you never really had to work all that hard to accumulate it, since you seem to have the ability to effortlessly attract most everything you need. The challenge here is to balance your desires for material things with your desires for philosophic ideals. Your values will be called into question and you may need to rearrange your priorities. You have an expansive emotional nature and you have the tendency to become involved with that type of love that is commonly referred to as "blind" love. Perhaps your feelings of love are motivated by considerations of money, property or social status.

But in spite of all that is said above, you are basically a warm-hearted and generous person who will come to the aid of friends if they are in need. People know they can count on your emotional and material help without your judging them in the process. You tolerate and accept other people's shortcomings and this goes a long way in keeping harmony, which is something that is really important to you and necessary for your well-being. At times, though, you avoid confronting difficult issues because you don't want to make waves or upset people's feelings. At times you need to be more self-assertive, though, not only because it is right to stand up for your beliefs but also because your needs have to met in order for you to retain a healthy balance. You are a lover of social situations and you like to be surrounded by people. You know how to handle people and still be liked. Being alone with yourself makes you somewhat uncomfortable. You need to learn self-restraint.

Pluto harmonizing with Ascendant (power = 6.42 and this aspect is harmonious = 6.42)
You tend to be a somewhat serious individual with a fair amount of personal magnetism. You have an inquisitive mind and you try to be diplomatic in your relationships with others. You have leadership qualities which could be developed if you put your mind and will to it. You can be quite emotional at times and this helps to keep you from blowing apart from all the powerful energies wrapped up inside you. Intensity is something you are quite comfortable with. Philosophy and reforming society's ills appeal to you.

Neptune discordant to Ascendant (power = 6.17 and this aspect is discordant = -6.17)
You can be selfless in relationships, perhaps too much so, at your own expense. Don't try to save others and avoid the sorts of relationships where you either play the role of martyr or victim. Stay strong and do not allow others to use you just because you are so kind and gentle. You may lack self-confidence and this might cause you to place your faith in someone who is not worthy of your trust. Stand on your own two feet.

Moon discordant to Venus (power = 6.01 and this aspect is discordant = -4.51)
Your habits may annoy others. You may have bad manners, bad breath or bad personal hygiene habits that irritate those around you. You can be lazy at times and you hate to get your hands dirty. You prefer other people doing the hard work while you sit around and reap the benefits or the glory. You know exactly how to tell people what they want to hear, regardless of whether it is really honest or not. You may have conflicting emotional desires and needs which complicate your personal life. Perhaps you are trying to please someone you care about so much so that you end up being some other person instead of yourself, becoming very unhappy in the process. You may have trouble figuring out just what you want in a relationship, a mother or a lover. If your needs for emotional satisfaction and love are not met, then overeating (especially sweets) can be a problem for you. You have a tendency anyway toward rich, sweet food and emotional imbalances set you to overeating as compensation for what you feel you are lacking. You are insecure and do not have a very high opinion of yourself. Perhaps you find yourself ugly or unattractive in some way, regardless of what the people around you tell you. You need to learn how to emotionally stand alone on your own two feet and to stand up for yourself and what you believe. You want and need the love of others in order to feel secure and if that love seems to be taken away, then you crumble. You are very warm and loving, but you must learn that you cannot possess anyone. We have all loved countless souls in all our previous incarnations here on earth and there is never a final farewell for love. You always are reunited with those you love. Anything to the contrary is an illusion.

Money goes out as fast as it comes in, sometimes faster. You have a tendency to be self-indulgent, over-extravagant and too desiring of luxury. You have the tendency to take the easy way out of things and to not stand up for your rights and needs. You are sensitive about your personal popularity. You may have an inferiority complex. The challenge is for you to develop the courage and learn how to voice your convictions. You have such a strong emotional need to be liked and accepted that you avoid making waves. By standing up for your personal convictions, you will build strength of character and will be free to be yourself. And this will make you a much happier person.

Sun harmonizing with Mars (power = 5.80 and this aspect is harmonious = 4.35)
You are bold, daring, confident, active, vital, energetic and positive. You love friendly competition and your initiative, self-esteem and self-confidence make you a winner at all you undertake. You have learned how to control your desires by using your willpower and that brings added power, for the person that can control themself can control the world. You have wonderful physical vitality and excellent recuperative powers. You need to be involved in some sort of physical exercise program or sports in order to release some of your excess energy in a healthy way. You have a strong sense of fair play and do not resort to underhanded means to get ahead. You have leadership skills and executive ability. You are a tireless worker and command respect from those around you. You are self-assertive with inborn courage and you will fight for your rights as well as the rights of others.

Mercury blending with Venus (power = 5.55 and this aspect is harmonious = 1.39)
You can appreciate the finer, more aesthetic things of life because you have a well-developed sense of form, proportion, design and beauty. With such skills you could perhaps be successful as an artist, sculptor, fashion designer, craftsmen, interior decorator, creative writer or jewelry designer. This aspect usually gives talent in the arts, whether it be writing, poetry, speaking or musical ability. You may possess a lovely singing voice. You have the ability to bring harmony to situations through your expert use of the spoken word. The way you think and speak tends to bring peace in difficult situations. You are a natural arbiter and diplomat. You may have success in sales of artistic or other beautiful objects. You have a natural eye for color and an ear for music. Your sense of humor, tact, and personal charm are of great benefit to you in any work with people on a one-to-one level. Your emotions are tied to your mental processes and it may be hard for you to express tour feelings without intellectualizing or rationalizing them. If you do not have artistic talent yourself, then you certainly have a fine appreciation of art, in all its many forms. You are a natural at settling arguments and soothing hurt feelings.

Sun harmonizing with Jupiter (power = 5.14 and this aspect is harmonious = 7.70)
Your optimism and cheerfulness win you many friends and help you succeed in life. You have a lot of self-confidence which attracts benefits in amazing ways. You want to expand yourself through some type of philosophy. This aspect helps protect you from danger and harm, even if just at the last moment. You are enthusiastic and have good-spirits, good luck and a desire to interact socially with others. A certain measure of material wealth is probable with this aspect. You have big aspirations but do not struggle much or labor hard to achieve them. You are generous, big-hearted, reliable, sincere, honest and idealistic with a strong sense of justice, fairness, ethics and morality. Mean acts of revenge towards others are beneath you and you will not jeopardize your character and your reputation by stooping to such levels. You are working on controlling your ego through some sort of religious or other philosophy. This aspect brings much of life's happiness to you because you have earned benefits in previous lives by being so kind and thoughtful to others.

Venus discordant to Saturn (power = 5.03 and this aspect is discordant = -6.29)
Your emotional development may have been delayed or it may simply be inadequate. You find it difficult to be warm and loving towards people because you have been hurt in the past and you fear it may happen again. You are stingy with material resources and with affection. You believe that everything must be earned and paid for — there are no free lunches. Because you find it difficult to express your feelings, you tend to show people how you feel by buying them gifts as a substitute for you and your feelings. If they reject your gift, then this is easier to take than if they reject you. Though you crave love and affection, intimacy is difficult for you. You have a shallow opinion of yourself and your own worth and talents. You do not understand why anyone could possibly love you. You feel that you are unlovable. This is something you need to strongly work on as your life will continue to be miserable if you do not learn to change your attitude. You are as worthy of love as anyone else, but you must come to realize that for yourself. Do not let past experiences govern your actions and feelings for the rest of your life.

You are a serious and reserved person who appears to others as cold, aloof, unfeeling and uncaring. You are not necessarily these things, it's just that you are very cautious in letting anyone see the real you or in letting people get close to you. You want to love and be loved, but you find this very difficult. You need to remember that you first have to give love to get love. And you can't buy real love. It doesn't work that way. You find it difficult to enjoy yourself in a light-hearted, open and playful way. You understand work, duty and responsibility a lot better than you understand feelings, affection and love. Rarely do you do anything for pleasure. If something involves work or getting something done, then that is pleasure for you. Other people do not understand that about you. There are times, though, when you procrastinate and put off attending to necessities with the result that duties tend to pile up. You need to learn how to balance the seriousness with life and the enjoyment of life.

You may become romantically involved with people who do not value you or treat you well. You need to learn to love and value yourself before you will find happiness in love. Security is very important to you, yet you do not know how to feel secure. Your fear of loss, of money, property, loved ones, etc., makes you very insecure. This negativity colors all your relationships for the worse. You must learn how to trust again. You must learn how to face your fears, even if it is painful. This is the only way you will ever overcome them.

You have the tendency to lose your faith and your optimism when life presents problems with which you must cope. It's fine to have a well-developed sense of responsibility, but you must also learn to trust in divine wisdom which has attracted these difficulties to you to help you develop personal and soul growth. You better than most can understand that the purpose of life is not happiness, but experience. Yet that does not mean you have to live your entire life feeling miserable. You may feel lonely, but this is because you are unwilling or unable to see that people really do love you. As I have mentioned previously, the problem may lie in your own opinion of yourself. You must first become a loving person yourself in order to attract love.

You may become defensive about expressing your real likes and dislikes for fear of being criticized or put down. You may have a jealous and possessive streak in you such that when you are in a relationship, you do anything and everything in your power to try to hold on to what you have. Of course this makes your partner feel as though they are in prison and they will try to escape the first chance they get, which is what you are fearful of in the first place. You must realize that you can never hold on to anything that doesn't want to be held on to. Love is free and there should be no contingencies placed upon it. You need to accept the difficulties you experience in life as spiritual lessons. These lessons are attempting to help you establish better values.

Neptune harmonizing with Pluto (power = 4.75 and this aspect is harmonious = 4.75)
As with all in your generation, you have the opportunity to be of service to others for the benefit of humanity. Use any psychic or spiritual powers to help those around you.

Mars harmonizing with Jupiter (power = 3.66 and this aspect is harmonious = 4.57)
You have a lot of self-confidence, enthusiasm and vitality. You believe that you can accomplish just about anything you set your mind to. Your sense of timing is good and you have the ability to foresee what will work and what won't. You enjoy competition and you have a mostly playful, good-humored attitude about it. You mostly compete with yourself to see how far you can go or how much you can accomplish. You don't hold onto grudges and you don't resort to mean acts to get even with people for real or imagined slights. You enjoy anything that will help stretch your limits — traveling, education, philosophy, religion. You enjoy adventure, taking risks, sports and outdoor activities. You may be good in sports but may not exercise the appropriate discipline to really excel. You are usually very optimistic and enthusiastic and pretty much always retain a positive attitude towards life. This aspect may help bring you wealth, but at the same time it may also bring a free-spending attitude with it. You tend to be lucky in speculation and you are generous with all you have. You have faith in the future and usually do not worry about what you need for tomorrow. You are recognized for your integrity, sincerity and honesty. Even when angry, your anger quickly fades as you have an inborn knowledge that getting angry is a waste of your energy. Even during difficult times, you remain positive and never lower yourself by stepping on anyone's toes to satisfy your own desires.

Moon discordant to Jupiter (power = 1.64 and this aspect is discordant = -0.82)
You are prone to overindulge yourself physically, emotionally and financially. You have a light, cheerful disposition and enjoy reaching out to others in a warm, open and friendly way. Your emotional generosity and lack of pettiness is appreciated by your friends and they often come to you seeking help, sympathy or advice. You overlook the faults in others and treat people in a very tolerant, non-judgmental way. You are a happy-go-lucky person who is not prone to worry. There are times when you overdo your charity. You try to do too much for people and this can sometimes be as bad as or worse than not doing enough. You need to learn how to control your intense emotions. You have a great deal of trouble in controlling your feelings in your relationships with others. You may be saddled with an erratic type of nervous energy that doesn't know when to stop until you have completely exhausted yourself physically and emotionally. Your life may seem to be one of constant, frantic haste. There is a tendency to put on weight through overindulgence of the appetite. Your philosophies or religious beliefs may be tested at some point in your life. Your optimism about finance allows overindulgence. There is a challenge presented here and that is in learning to dissolve your pride. You have an internal fear about facing any negative traits in your personality. This emotional fear can be overcome by developing a good philosophy of life and by recognizing that everyone has imperfections. There may be impaired reasoning ability, trouble through litigation, lack of forethought, indecision or dishonesty. You may be much too fond of ostentatious display, extravagant beyond your means and resources and prone to take wild chances in gambling or speculation.

SIGN POSITIONS OF PLANETS

Sun in AquariusAquarians tend to be friendly, original, intuitive, broadminded, nonconforming, different, independent, freedom-loving, scientific, unusual, and helpful. They can also be impersonal, unpredictable, tactless, rebellious, unconventional, stubborn, rigid, radical, bohemian and eccentric. Aquarians like any work which calls for inventiveness and the detached application of special rules or formulae.

Aquarians seek to share knowledge with others in order to bring about a better life for all. Group activity is their customary mode of operation. Helping others so they can help themselves appeals to an Aquarian.

Aquarians are friendly, yet detached, they have warmth, yet they seem distant. Although appearing cold or aloof, they are not really indifferent to others. It's just that they are much more concerned with humanity as a whole rather than any one particular individual. Since Aquarians generally do not have large, pompous or stuffy egos, they rarely bother to exert themselves to win approval or compliments.

Aquarians get excited about bringing new ideas and methods into old, traditional environments. They are philosophical, visionary and idealistic. Feelings of friendship drive them to try to improve the lot of everyone they can. Sometimes the people they want to help don't understand these new ways and react negatively toward them. Sometimes Aquarians are simply ahead of their time, although sometimes they are just cranks.

Aquarians have the determination and persistence to get ahead, but sometimes their energy level is relatively low, which causes them to drop projects before they are completed. Their minds are analytical and scientific and they have the ability to think things through to an accurate conclusion. Although they generally have good powers of concentration and are able to assimilate a lot of information, there are times when they are just plain absentminded.

Aquarians usually get along well with others. They are generally not gossips, nor are they petty. They do not like arguments, unless they feel there is a need to defend a person, an ideal or a principle. Since Aquarians are so willing to listen to the new and different, they have little patience with those who refuse to hear new concepts.

Sometimes Aquarians rebel just for the pleasure of it. They have been known to deliberately do things in an attempt to shock people. Most Aquarians prefer not to be bound by schedules and regulations, but can easily adapt to them if they must. But don't expect them to always be on time for things.

Aquarians dislike people who are possessive of them, since they are generally not possessive of people or things themselves. They give others a lot of personal freedom and they expect the same in return. Since they are not particularly concerned as to what other people think of them, they often do not bother forming opinions about other people's behavior.

In love, Aquarians want an intellectual companion with whom they can communicate. They can be hesitant about making a total commitment such as marriage, or any other form of partnership, because of their desire for independence. However, when an Aquarian marries, the marriage is usually stable. They are loyal and faithful to their marriage partner, but are not prone to excessive displays of affection, especially in public.

Moon in CancerYou very easily respond to the emotional environment in which you are placed. You soak up feelings like a sponge. Perhaps this is why you so easily become moody, irritable and inconstant in thought and feeling. Learning to control your own moods may be very difficult, yet necessary, for you. Your greatest need is to nurture and mother someone or ones. You often appear irrational to others because you can't always explain the reason or source of your feelings. Anyone who lives with you must accept your ups and downs and appreciate your need for times of withdrawal. You are also very sympathetic and understand the unspoken feelings and needs of others. You take slights very personally and though you may forgive a mistake by a friend or loved one, you never forget it. Security is very important to you and you look for it in your home and family life. Your senses and emotions are quite strong and it would be wise for you to listen to your intuitive side as you can be quite psychic. You are very tenacious and you do not give up or let go of things or people easily. Your mother is/was a strong influence for good or ill in your life. You are basically an introvert, but will do whatever it takes to protect and defend your family or loved ones. You tend to be a pack-rat because everything has an emotional memory behind it and you find security in all those memories. Nothing or no one is ever gone if they leave their memory behind. Thus, you can become quite possessive. You have the memory of an elephant, but you must learn to forgive and forget past hurts.

Mercury in CapricornYour mind is clear, disciplined, serious, practical, organizing, objective and realistic, and you are unimpressed by exaggerated claims or promises. You want to know the facts behind any statement or idea you hear. Your natural skepticism often borders on cynicism. You have a rational approach to problems and are usually quite level-headed no matter what the circumstances. Your are capable of working long hours with focused concentration and attention on whatever interests you. You probably have a good memory and are very attentive to details. At times you appear to others as lacking a sense of humor, boring, or depressed. You simply have a lot on your mind. You are thorough, conscientious, and disciplined in your thinking, and have an aptitude for business, organization, and administration. You are also a good strategist, and will plan and patiently follow a realistic course which will lead to your eventual success. Serious-minded and studious, you enjoy quiet time alone for thinking or reading. You seldom indulge in foolish or silly chatter for you consider them a waste of valuable time which is better spent on more productive things.
Venus in CapricornLove and affections are expressed in cautious, reserved and serious ways. You are probably not that demonstrative towards the ones you love. You care very much about what other people think of you and you fervently desire love and appreciation, yet your reserved responses make it appear that you are really very detached. Casual, superficial relationships don't interest you at all. You are cautious and serious about love and you want a deep, genuine, lasting love. You are old-fashioned and traditional regarding courtship and love, and will remain faithful to your loved one in good times and in bad. You may be attracted to persons older than yourself, someone who is emotionally mature and reliable and who can provide the security you desire. You tend to be loyal, trustworthy, patient and steadfast. For you love may be weighed against practical concerns or on the basis of security needs. Perhaps you'll marry for money or status. You have a strong desire to protect yourself from being hurt and this may keep you from being as outgoing and forward in love matters. You may be very fearful, selfish and jealous or cold and calculating if Venus is badly aspected. There may be an intense ambition and desire for prestige and status.

Mars in GeminiMentally and physically you are the busy, little bee. You are constantly in motion with many and various activities, usually several at a time. You are happiest when busy and you hate boredom. Your mind is alert, active, and constantly seeking to learn more. You absorb knowledge like a sponge and you will debate and argue with anyone who wants a mental sparring match. A great deal of nervous tension or anxiety can exist with this position and it is important that you get regular exercise to relieve the stress. You talk with your hands and may be ambidextrous or have mechanical ability. There is a need to think before acting and to have patience so that you keep yourself out of trouble. Sometimes you just do things for the sake of doing something and this is not always a good idea. Look before you leap. Travel appeals to you because you never know what you might learn or who you might meet. Burns or accidents can occur to the shoulders or arms, probably due to haste. You can accomplish a lot in short bursts, but projects that require long-term commitment, stamina, and steady, persistent effort are not easy for you. You often scatter your energies into so many directions and activities at once that you cannot finish or follow through on some of them. You need variety, change, and mental challenges. Your mind is sharp and you enjoy mental challenges, games, or competitions. Matching wits with someone else really brings out the competitor in you. Your drive and energy is more mental than physical. You use your wit, intelligence, communication skills, social sophistication, and awareness to achieve your goals. Sarcasm and humor come easy to you. You need to learn how to conserve energy so you don't burn out and concentration so you will complete projects and carry through on promises.

Jupiter in AriesYou are enthusiastic, assertive, energetic, and filled with many ideas on how to grow, start, promote, or expand the ideas which fill your head. You are opinionated and can be very persuasive in getting people to go along with your plans and ideas. You like dealing with the big picture and have leadership qualities. A need to learn patience and to think before you act is probable. Your tendency to promise more than you can deliver should be watched. Tolerance of others people's ideas and viewpoints should also be developed. You have the ability to sell things, ideas, material goods, philosophies. Over-optimism, conceit, self-centeredness, false pride, and fanaticism over some cause may be your biggest shortfalls with this position.

Saturn in CancerYou are protective and persevering and you worry over loved ones. You can be moody, fearful and insecure perhaps because you feel unloved, probably by one or both parents. These feelings may bring on within you feelings of inadequacy toward your own ability to be a parent. As a parent you may be very demanding and a strict disciplinarian to your children. Emotional depression is something you need to conquer. Your unconscious fear of being hurt by others can cause you to withdraw from too close an emotional involvement with others. You are kind, but may lack empathy. You can be so busy protecting yourself from hurts that you are unable to see the hurts of others. There is a tendency for improper digestion due to the lack of certain digestive juices in the stomach. It would be best if you did not drink liquids with your meals (except milk, which is a food). There is a need to curb the appetite, as it can get you into trouble. Land and property may give you emotional security and alleviate feelings of not having something to fall back on.

HOUSE POSITIONS OF PLANETS

The planets represent energies and cosmic forces that can be utilized in various ways. They are like the actors in a play. Houses represent the different spheres of life where these energies can be and are brought to bear, for better or for worse. If the planets are the actors in a play, then the houses represent the various settings in which the actors play out their roles (signs).

Sun in 10th houseYou may have a desire to attain success and power for the benefit of others or to seek success and power for yourself without thought of anyone else. You want to shine and be recognized for your accomplishments. You want to be really good at something. There is strong motivation towards succeeding in a career and/or personal achievements. You have the ability to inspire others through your example. You are ambitious and self-aggrandizement is possible. People in high places can help or hinder your career.

Moon in 3rd houseYou possess intellectual curiosity and may well express your true feelings through speech, poetry or writing. Intellectualizing your feelings is probable. There is a strong need for communication and for gathering information, which is later shared with people in general or women in particular. You have a fine sense of humor and like to joke and play around. Travel appeals to you because it affords new opportunities for learning. Routine of any kind probably bores you and you are constantly looking for variety. Your ideas change at a moment's notice and you are forever flexible and adaptable to any situation. Learning is perhaps better accomplished through listening rather than reading. Your mind can be quite emotional at times. Concerning vocation: the emphasis is on communication and information exchange. Your personality gathers, shares and reacts to information. This position represents the intermediary, the go-between, and the dissemination functions.

Mercury in 9th houseYou are flexible, with an adaptable mind which has an interest in perhaps intellectual pursuits, law, religion or philosophy. You have many ideas and beliefs with the ability to express them well verbally. You probably enjoy travel and foreign culture and it is particularly educational for you. You have the ability to learn foreign languages or to be a translator. You may be a teacher or be involved in higher learning in some other way. Interest may exist in publishing or advertising.

Venus in 8th houseYou may be enjoying physical comforts and prosperity perhaps due to your partner's efforts. You may inherit money which allows you the luxury you seek. You may lack self-discipline and there may be a tendency to laziness as well as a preoccupation with sex. Trouble may come to you if you have a tendency to indulge your lower nature. You may be attracted to healing, psychic endeavors or metaphysical subjects. Perhaps you have an interest in magic.

Mars in 1st houseYou have an abundance of physical vitality. Sometimes there is so much energy that you become reckless, impulsive, and throw caution to the wind. You may experience cuts and burns on your head and face which may leave some sort of scar. You are assertive, independent, impatient and want to do your own thing. You have strong organizing ability. You are usually self-confident. Guard against accidents due to rushing around in your impulsiveness. You may be subject to higher than normal fevers.

Jupiter in 11th houseYou probably have lots of friends who are willing to do almost anything for you, and you for them. These friends are knowledgeable, idealistic and may be of foreign culture or descent. The social life appeals to you and this may be the cause of over-indulgence or over-extravagance on your part which could get you into trouble. You are popular, with faithful and influential friends. You have a natural ability to organize and plan large group activities. You are a strong supporter of groups, foundations and philanthropies.

Saturn in 3rd houseYour mind is serious, exacting, patient and orderly plus you have the ability to concentrate on deep subject matter. With this ability comes a tendency to depression, pessimism, loneliness or despondency. You have organizational ability and are probably conservative and traditional in your thinking. Mathematics and strategy games may appeal to you. Time consuming projects do not bother you. You may feel a bit isolated from siblings and neighbors or they may give you trouble. There may be issues of communication with either. Try to stay optimistic in your thinking and in the meantime simply keep working hard. Your lungs need plenty of oxygen, so try to sleep in a well-ventilated room.

Uranus in 6th houseYou have unique abilities and original methods, especially in your work. You may suffer from extreme nervous tension and strange accidents on the job. Your appearance and manner of dress are apt to be quite unusual. You like the kind of work that has irregular hours, is different, and has a lot of variety. You are a good worker, but must watch out so that you do not overwork. You can develop clever ideas which will aid you in your work. You are at your best when you can be independent and be your own boss. You may be impatient with others and can appear to be abrupt to and detached from your fellow workers. Strange and unexpected turns in your health can occur. Spasmodic health is also a possibility. Many times the cause is simply nervousness, anxiety, stress, and tension. Relax.

Neptune in 7th houseThere may be a tendency to idealize marriage or the marriage partner. Many sacrifices may be made for the spouse. The marriage partner can be spiritually minded, artistic or just plain confusing. Communication may be a problem due to your concepts and ideals not coinciding. There is the tendency to attract a partner whereby you or they play the role of martyr or savior. The feeling may be that your partner "needs" saving and that you're the only one who can "save" (change) them. Because of this your partner may be an alcoholic or a drug (ab)user.

Your imagination and your idealization of your partner may be more real to you than what your partner is in reality. If this is so, then there will come the day when your blinders are removed and you will see their true nature. This then may lead to great disappointment and discouragement when you find out that they or you have been living a lie and that things are not as they have appeared. With this position you must make absolutely sure you are dealing with the hard, cold facts of your relationship and not the romantic notions dreamed up from storybook tales.

You are likely to seek a marriage partner who can provide a source of inspiration and bring out your capacity for compassion and loving understanding. There can be a tendency to see a prospective partner through rose-colored glasses or to weave imaginative fantasies about new contacts or hoped-for encounters. Consequently there is a possibility that the partner may not be the type of person conjured up by your imagination.

There is some tendency to form partnerships based on admiration or pity. If your natal Neptune is afflicted, such admiration may have resulted from your having been dazzled by glamorous externals, while an over-active sense of pity may be exploited by a prospective partner so that you marry out of sentiment or misplaced sympathy.

Possibilities exist that the partner is very sensitive and may need to be treated with kid gloves. The partner may be artistic or musically inclined or have some connection with drama or the stage. The material side of life may not concern them. Your relationship may be quite spiritual and above the sordid things of this life, hence it may be more platonic than sexual. The other side of the coin is that you may become involved with unreliable, inconstant and somewhat shiftless types whose sympathies may be largely focused upon themselves, or they may be underprivileged in some way, or neurotic or invalids suffering from chronic ill health.

An unconscious willingness on your part to indulge in self-deception regarding your partner is possible. This may keep you in a bad relationship because you refuse to see the truth or you falsely believe that only you can change things.

In order to get the best results from the marriage relationship you must learn to overcome vague desires for an unattainable ideal, to control any tendency to get carried away by shallow romanticism and to be as clear-headed and practical as possible when assessing the virtues and attractions of prospective mates. Stay well-grounded.

Pluto in 5th houseYou have unusual talents and hobbies. Great creativity and self-expression is possible. Your children may be unique and it may be difficult for you to understand them or for them to understand you. There may be too much emphasis on sex in romantic relationships and issues of power and control can surface therein. There is an inner drive to be creative and it would be best if this creativity were not channeled through sex. Find a creative hobby instead.

Oct 6, 2015

Larger than Life

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need


I need a hero!
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

puh-lease...

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life. 

Aug 24, 2015

What do you want out of your life?







In The Circus of Lost Dreams, Nin Andrews and Emily Lisker become a magical duet. The two share an insatiable, tender, and wry imagination. Their poems and paintings together are profound in their insights regarding power, male/female relationships, and spirituality. ”
— Denise Duhamel



Dear life... I am ready now!

I realize to an outsider (someone who doesn't know me personally, only what they see online) I may come off as miserable tragedy girl. However, I am NOT. I am actually incredibly resilient! I feel things deeply and it is because of this that I often need to offload my pain and problems onto this blog. I'm a firm believer of getting things out of me and not letting them festering and distill into a deadly intoxicant. The best way for me to not plague other people with negativity nor to dump on the people who hurt me which really doesn't accomplish anything yet to hold it all in is unhealthy for me so I write it all out. I sit down and I let every single thought and feeling, no matter how pathetic or irrational, pour out and keeping pouring until I have nothing more to add to it... THEN IT IS DONE and I can move on!

Nothing written here in all its sappy stench is how I still feel! Why do I not have many blog entries of positive inspiring stuff? Because that I actively share and express with the world around me. That is the radiant glow that attracted you to me so do not read this journal as a way to get to know me. Wait until perhaps you have fallen in love with me and from a place of love need to know what has tragically happened to me and then you will see the light of my survival and the joy I bring despite of these things. 

Namaste, dear friend. I am the part of you that loves you. Do you see me?

Jul 30, 2015

a letter for an ex and his newest "love"

Hey Jeremiah ~

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO SPEND MORE THAN 2 MO AT A TIME OF EVERY 2 YEARS OF YOUR ENTIRE ADULT LIFE ACTUALLY SINGLE AND ALONE GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF and maybe discover why can't stay with a woman for more than 2 years or at the very least confront and admit you have a problem with this ridiculously redundant pattern?! 

Jeremiah and Medea approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Brittany, they're in love. 

You might actually grow up in that time and learn to be honest with yourself so that you quit telling those hurtful lies that betray the trust of the people who open themselves up to be utterly annihilated by your immature role playing game of replicating your father instead of healing those wounds and transcending them. 

JJ and Brittany (left: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with me swearing he was going to stay single for a year... right: a year later around approx. their 1 year anniversary)

"If I live till I'm 102 just don't think I'll ever get over you..."


Me and Jeremiah (bottom 2: approx. 2 mo after he broke up with Amber.. on the L: the day we met when he told me he just got out of a relationship and was going to remain single for a year... Top L: our 1 year anniversary dinner celebration precisely a year to the day later..)

You're a destroyer of lives! I'm still not alright! Now you're dating a woman with a child, are you serious?! You're not. Tell her you're not. Tell her what you told me near the end, that you don't think you'll ever be married. That you habitually change women every 2 years like clockwork... Switch! 1-2 switch! That when you say "I unequivocally and irrevocably am in love you!" you lie! That contract will be revoked undubitously in 2 years ~ Medea,


Mark my words.. if ever there was a guarantee based on history it is this. Don't believe me cuz I'm just a psycho drug addled ex? Ask Rachel! She tried to warn me about it because I just like you thought he was my forever live happily ever after... See what comes next?

JJ and Amber 

There was a photo on her FB of the two of them that looked like a wedding photo but I don't remember her last name and this is surely enough creepy stalking/ psycho ex crap for one day... not to imply I do it often and/or intend to do it again! Seriously I'm not a total masochist. FB just placed you first in my "people you might know" and there I discovered merely maybe 3 months if even after I heard him and B split is someone pronouncing him "her love" and happiness. Who the fuck falls head over heels in love in less than 2 mo after being in love with someone else for 2 years? Have you ever been completely in love and then again almost immediately without at least 6 or so months to grieve, find yourself again, then meet somebody but insist you take it slowly?! What's the odds that someone could have such unbelievable luck in love??? Something's not right. I was left devastated and checked myself into rehab to prevent committing suicide. 6 months after I got out I started sorta seeing a rebound guy but he was rebounding too so we casually dated (only spent one night a weekend on average together) for 8 months and never uttered the ILY. After that about 1.5 yr clean when I realized it wasn't going to get any better, that I was still not over J, I relapsed...



"In the tapestry of fate each thread comes to an end." The Demoness returns to accept her fate except she is cursed, there is no redemption for her. No wings, no love, only acceptance and maybe peace after the decline of humanity.. Hope it's comforting. 


I'm trying to heal. I've been horribly damaged by him and haven't had a good healthy relationship since and I don't honestly know if I ever will trust and completely open my heart up to be in love ever again. He destroyed that. He was my one true love, I was just a Demoness he needed to fulfill his own selfish dream. He promised me that after I helped him launch AE he would help me with my play. Then we did AE again, and again, and again, and when I finally said "that's it! my turn now?" he was finished.


Protect your kid. He will never play house with you and be a family unit. His family is AraKus and despite all of his friends being married now, it will never happen! Don't delude yourself! Stand guard of your heart and most especially your child. Mine died (cat) 2 weeks after he left on xmas eve. Great punctuation to my tragedy, eh? I'll never understand why that had to happen that way. It was a symbolic death of my spirit and it's yet to be reborn fully transcended yet. Perhaps if I reach through to you and stop the pattern, prevent you from becoming so broken, maybe then I can finally let it go? I don't know, I don't know.... Blessed be. 

Jul 4, 2015

What was the bang?

SO I WAS ASKED ~ 

  "And what brings you to tinder?  Conversation?  Friends?  Drinks?  Needing to bang one out?"


MY RESPONSE ~

Well first of all women don't EVER "need to bang one out" pretty sure that involves a penis, hand, and perhaps a porn pic or something to that extent? I wouldn't know.. but it sounds like a problem you guys are on your own with. 

Next I hardly think tinder would be a very good source for finding lasting friendship. Is there even such a thing as REAL friendship in the days of Facebook? I'm unsure. Seems some of my "friends" do indeed have friends they regularly spend time with and have known for many years. I have basically my family of friends who I mostly haven't seen in YEARS since they moved to the woods and starting raising hippie kids. Then I have a shit ton of acquaintances everywhere I go! I don't have single super close consistent friend who I frequently do things with, I'm independent but lonely in a crowd that I personally know half of. Would like one but....

Conversation, meh. Acquaintances and random stranger work fine for such stuff. 

 Drinks? Yes!

Now you left some options out if you can believe it. A fuck/get laid/hook up or anything but "bang one out" Not opposed after drinks perhaps see where it goes. 

And last, relationship. I know, I know, go ahead and chastise me back as I certainly deserve it after this novel reply... but I want one of those. So if the bang is worth a few bucks (ah!) NO.. if the chemistry is present, and there's intrigue, then the sex is spot on and other factors after that which is usually where everything goes horribly wrong but regardless it would be righteous if the sex became frequent and the company didn't suck too and became a healthy-ish habit etc etc. 

Happy? Have a good boom bang crackle woo k (July 4th)


Jun 4, 2015

Happens to me every time...


I can't believe I fall for it every single time no matter how many times it's happened before! I don't think I'll ever learn or not hope for once I've found a real catch and we obviously can't teach men how not to effect us like this.. So let's say a guy hasn't msg'd or been around for a few days leaving you wondering if he's moved as he certainly hasn't been thinking of you like you have been him.. then finally sends a text with:


What are you up to tonight?

I, or let's just say the girl, always reads this as if it says:

Sorry I've been busy, babe, but I intend to make it up to you. What are you doing tonight?

When what he's saying is nothing of the sort. In fact, he thinks he's is totally being cool and considerate by out of the blue engaging her with totally meaningless idle chit chat. Whatever you are up to that evening is of no real concern to him whatsoever as he's just hoping to engage her in a conversation on any sort of random topic that's NOT what he has been up to nor what he's actually doing himself that evening but he knows if he doesn't text her at all a 3rd night in a row she will certainly question his modus operandi as she'll want to know why he hasn't checked in. "What are you up to tonight?" isn't a date proposal as she delights in the notion of, he already has plans and he hoped that she has some herself by now so she's the one who's got a problem with fomo. She however has awaited this feeling of alas a lawless victory! So she responds with something cheerful and casual yet assumes the prize is in her bag:

Going crazy.. wanting to see you! Come watch that movie or do that thing you said earlier we'd do sometime this week and you have to work the rest of it other than tonight, right?

....

No response for a couple hours as he struggles with how he can possibly tell her the truth is he made plans with his bros he works with and sees every other day of the week on his one night off instead of meaning what he said he'd do. He simply though saying it would placate her and she'd get bored I guess and find someone else to help her with the task she only asked him to help her with as an excuse to spend some time being sweet to him.. Meanwhile she has proceeded to get into the shower or start making them both dinner or tidying up in prep for his imminent arrival he's only waiting to determine which bus he can catch before giving her an accurate eta... He responds off topic trying to turn that tactic into an 0 for 3 as successful stalling.

What time is your thing tomorrow?

9ish.

I'll try to make it but I have to switch my shift at work. 


 ....
 
You're not coming over tonight are you?


No...



Now she feels worse than she would have if she hadn't even heard from him instead of being lifted by her wishes, hopes, and spoken promises... and then dropped back down to Earth causing another crack to appear in her heart.

May 26, 2015

Why I Hate Using Facebook

The single reason why I absolutely HATE using facebook is it’s unbelievably annoying and constant need to change everything in more often th...