Dec 12, 2013

broken burlesque



I'm performing at this month's Starving Artists on Parade.. not doing fire, but instead burlesque(!) for the first time EVER and a special SURPRISE duet with a member of Airpocalypse!!


210 Broadway E
Seattle, Wa 98102
Monday Dec. 16, 2013  $5  8pm  21+

© photos by Zach Yanez taken at Starving Artists on Parade 
Aug. 15, 2011 @ Noc Noc

Nov 24, 2013

applicationing

Still haven't completed all the essays on my college application yet... procrastination princess here! Deadline for the next term is Dec. 12 so I'm fine but need to keep trucking so I'm gonna try to freeform respond here so I have another extra super long thing to edit down to 70-100 words.. I dunno. It's better than having ones like this one I'm finding impossible to expand on:


~ Please finish this statement: “Online education is a good match for me because...

..it's all I can afford right now and I'm a night owl so it works with my schedule really well to be in discussion groups with people in different time zones. 
(31 words.. sigh)


~ Describe an incident which led you to challenge yourself (academically, emotionally, spiritually, etc)

In 2000 I found myself unemployed, homeless, and broke in San Francisco so I volunteered to go work for DPW at Burning Man. What started out as a means of survival turned into the most challenging yet rewarding experience of my life! The bay area had beat up my self confidence something fierce so I greeted the challenge of being a woman doing construction 8 hour a days in the hot desert. I was out to earn back my own self respect and while doing so I managed to earn the respect of all my co-workers and was not only recommended for a paid position but was even promoted to Project Manager. I learned that I can do ANYTHING I put my mind and that nothing is unachievable if you work together as a team. 
(135 words.. not bad :)

Edited to 99 words:
In 2000 I found myself broke and homeless in San Francisco so I volunteered to work for DPW at Burning Man. What started as a means of survival turned into an incredibly rewarding experience! I greeted the challenge of being a woman doing construction in a hot desert environment because I was determined to earn back my own self respect. By doing so I earned the respect of others and was promoted to a paid position. I learned that I can accomplish ANYTHING I put my mind to and nothing is unachievable if you work together as a team.
(hate that it's not as cool of a story shorter but oh well..)





Nov 17, 2013

"Waiting to be born" by Rotersand

And another day is gone
ages of nothing
and another hope is torn
longing for something
waiting to be born
she said, I'm waiting to be born

and her visions are concealed
trapped in a notion
and her smile is frozen still
drowned in an ocean
waiting to be born
she said, I'm waiting to be born

i close my eyes to my illusions
i turn away from all i've left behind
i kill the pain and my confusion
I'm not dying anymore
i'm waiting to be born


and the walls are closing in
painfully silent
she's a prisoner within
lost on an island
waiting to be born
she said, I'm waiting to be born

she's not blind but she can't see
the shine of her colours
but once she's going to lead
the legions of crawlers
waiting to be born
she said, I'm waiting to be born

Nov 13, 2013

turkey jerkin compost ramble on RANT!

Wild Turkey my totem right now
***background info for anyone else who reads this: I got kicked out of the fire circle/performance area at seacompression the weekend before last.... stupid unfair series of events basically. I dropped my cigarette butt 3 feet from the no smoking/fuel zone/fence line on my way back into it (actually it was around the side by the propane art sculpture things were, you had to cross about 10-15 meters from there to get anywhere near our lidded flammable liquid containers..) the wind blew and rolled it to within inside the fence about a 1/4 inch ~ strike one. I was desperate for some water for my sore throat/dry mouth sinus drainage exasperated by riding there on a motorcycle with no face shield! there was none. I kid you fucking not! I think the only place that had bottles of water at this rave party was the first aid station so I guess you had to hit serious dehydration levels before your only choice was something other than alcohol (or virgin cocktails if you're way smarter and less nervous than me before a performance..) so just before I dropped that cigarette I was running around looking for water in a panic because we went from having 45 min to 15 min suddenly as somebody made the decision to penalize us for being there on time and close to ready so the troupe who didn't have their shit together for whatever reason could relax 45 min and have our time slot... where was I? Yes, begging for water at the bar that wasn't open yet who told me I had to go inside and wait 20 min in line in there about 2 min after our set wasn't originally but was now suppose to start... Panicked! Okay they'll help me but they don't have any water.. how about I make you a cocktail she said? uh... gin & tonic... light on the gin, I'm performing like right NOW. yay, moisture for my mouth.. just drop cigarette, run in, take sip, set down and let's do this shit (fire show, baby!) woo....... guess the rest?
My best image from Seacompression :(

**that was a week and a half ago.. Monday my fire partner performing boyfriend and I break up because Saturday he tells me next weekend he has plans on Fri to take this girl he knows because she bartends at a bar he drinks at a lot out and show her around Pioneer Square because she's never been. AND I can't come because he doesn't want HER to feel like the third wheel (yeah, awful being single hanging out with people in relationships, right?) later he tells me she isn't single but of course my double date (her boyfriend or a 4th friend since they're just friends why can't we all be friends..) was shut down the sec I mentioned it.. really, now that I think about it ONLY A SINGLE PERSON CAN EVER BE A 3RD WHEEL!? he WAS utterly lying to me!! sob trying to slip back into some poly amorous crap without being mature enough to have a conversation about it?
A third wheel is usually called "your Spare"

*anyway, ur caught up now.. this started as a note to a girlfriend that I thought maybe I'd re-write and send to him.. the part about the fire show no no being such a deeply profound wound worse than I imagined.. but he doesn't give a fuck, he just wants to stick his little penis in Ballard bartender bitches! obviously wanting me to feel better is FAR from his agenda!
Screw you, your bike, and the 3rd wheel

so weird keeping up appearances for what feels at this point like an imaginary unreal fantasy thing ~ my fire troupe that I'm not allowed to perform in but elected myself the leader of regardless when there's nobody left in it (well except for T__ who uses the permit for Sat night gigs at Q) especially now that S__ and I broke up. huh, hasn't sunk in yet that really happened.. can't believe it :/ I've never been an insecure/jealous girlfriend before! but I've never been cut off from fire dancing, 86'ed from the fuel area like a dumb drunken redneck, and not allowed to do the one thing I live to do after 6 weeks of stressful preparation ~ perform! I live to perform! I am a fire performer! that's what I do, that's what I am! take that away from me and suddenly I'm an insecure pitiful puppet of a wannabe girlfriend that is suddenly terrified that everything I've ever been secure or confident about could drop like a cigarette ash and blow away...
Ouroboros chicken

I feel like a phoenix who's not about to rise from ash but has been stuffed, basted, and broiled up for holiday dinner!? this is new territory for me. how do you hold on to your dreams when your wing is some kid's wishbone? compost.. how does a phoenix rise up from compost? not a very sparkly myth now, eh? stinks worse than poop! oh but trust in your greasy tarragon flavored flimsy boiled boned wings that are probably somewhere in this heap that they will flap again and lift you into maybe a barn or at least some hay...... yep :|
Nobody loves me. Guess I'll go eat worms!

and suddenly S__ insists I should have trust in him, him going out with girls all the time (that probably have a job or something that makes them worthy feeling, therefore acting, therefore attractive, therefore a threat! I'm a chicken bone.. not a woman) is just something I have to deal with.. wow, really? right now? can't give me another week maybe before you ditch me in misery? I know he's young and was attracted to the big upcoming exciting fire show permit holding hot dancing woman.. so I couldn't help but feel like he's trying to blow me off & trying to go on a date w/ someone now that I have no more shows to offer and our big exciting sexy moment turned into me shitting in my pants and him having to take me home & change my diapers......
Dead.

trying to point out how I feel right now hoping that he cares enough to try to understand and will be sympathetic & humanly compassionate in his behavior, judgment, treatment and actions (specifically.. make a point to make me feel included and never unwelcomed or a 3rd wheel) ~ backfired completely! only made me more pathetic, and less attractive to him, and made him want to spend even less time with me and even more likely to make ever more plans that don't include me, widen his social circles further beyond my reaches, and brazen his adamant independence...
Broken..

fml! I have nothing in the world to be confident, proud, or secure about right now. I would dump me too! not sexy.. heh, at least I can always laugh at myself.... that's something! maybe..? I do have a knack for being able to pull myself out of the thick of shit and look at my self predicament from all perspectives including an inner comedian sketch artist looking for material.. we laugh because otherwise it hurts too much! maybe it hurts so much because otherwise we wouldn't laugh?
Didn't I try this once and hated it?
hmm, deep thoughts by... I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit people like me. not funny! squished tomatoes flying at you to compost, ya turkey! compost, turkey, phoenix sounds like some serious alchemy animal medicine... Give away, burn off the dross, trust the process! I want a turkey feather tattoo. this has gone from rant to weird to random to absurd to madness... MUAHAHAHAHAH! Gobble gobble :P (few more..) Bahlasti Ompedha! Birds crap on your stupid head! and OM NAMAH SHIVAYA, SHIVAYA NAMAH OM
The Destroyer

aztec nagual bird deities

1XiuhtecuhtliLord of FireDiamond BlueHummingbird
2TlaltecuhtliGod of theEarthEmerald Green Hummingbird
3ChalchiutlicueGoddess of the WatersRoyal Hawk
4TonatiuhGod of theSunBeneficentQuail
5TlazolteotlGoddess ofLoveExpansive Eagle
6TeoyaomiquiGod of the FallenWarriorMighty Screech Owl
7XochipilliGod of MaizeBrilliantButterfly
8TlalocGod of RainThe Golden Eagle
9QuetzalcoatlGod of ofWindThe ProudTurkey
10TezcatlipocaGod of BountyThe HornedOwl
11MictlantecuhtliGod of the UnderworldThe Mighty Macaw
12TlahuizcalpantecuhtliGod of SunriseThe Long-Tailed Quetzal
13IlamatecuhtliGoddess of the SkiesThe Rainbow Parrot

found ~
http://www.symbolic-meanings.com/2009/01/07/symbolic-nagual-bird-lords-honoring-aztec-symbols-as-oracles/

Oct 29, 2013

significant succubus and such

So I've decided to take my industrious artistic entrepreneurial spirit to the next level and am currently filling out an application for admissions into an online college and go for a bachelors degree in Business...

It's funny these essay questions.. I'm currently stumped on what should reasonably be one of the easiest ones:

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence.

The last time I was seeking admissions into school this would have been easy and obvious. I would have chosen one of my two favorite teachers from high school, Mr. Cook who was my drama instructor and insisted that I was good enough to pursue a career in theatre, or crap.. um, Ms. Thisdale I think who was the faculty adviser for Amnesty International which I was secretary/treasurer of as well as the environmental club which I was president of. After college instead of starting to teach right away she took 5 years off and did the Greenpeace type thing spending the majority of that time working in a Tibetan refugee camp. She told social studies and she just brought about a worldly knowledge of the subject as well as instilled a sense of civil unrest in me making me aware of conditions beyond the posh 3rd world conditions where I grew up and the importance of having compassion for all of Earth's inhabitants. She died from thyroid or brain cancer a few years after I graduated and I regret that I never went back and visited her and told what a good job she'd done as a teacher in my case and how much she profoundly shaped my whole entry and attitude in early adulthood. Hmm.. maybe I will doing it on her. This is sounding good and it's certainly over 70 words.. but likely over 100 which sucks, I hate cutting my expressions short. It's stifling.. reminds me of that artist's statement I had to write for an art grant that was perfect until I went through and trimmed out as many pronouns, long words, and prepositional phrases as I possibly could to make it fit within the character limits and suddenly it read like utter cracked out gibbering nonsense.

So I had thought that perhaps being 20 years out of high school those influences weren't really relevant anymore. I have most certainly had several major and more significant influences since then but here's the conundrum.. which one? My friend Freedom was huge! But what do I say.. he was this beautiful amazing hippie musician who's music brought about a deep a personal spiritual connection to my holy guardian angel and/or native american spirit animal and made me remember past lives where we once lived together as a tribe in harmony with nature? I don't like talking about my hippie days. It was thoroughly heart breaking how young dumb and naive we were thinking we would change the world! I ended up becoming a drug addicted goth pagan seeking out initiation or rather just recognition in a certain secret magickal order that's only purpose it served was teaching me an unexpectedly hard lesson again in having high hopes of spiritual attainment and accomplishment within a brotherhood. Apparently even if you swear an oath of loyalty for life you might not get the same in return. Yet again my most sincerest ambitions of being disciplined and doing good things for myself and the world resulted in me finding myself in the middle of a big mass of drama I had no influence or control over whatsoever but was pulled into by default after which I was utterly abandoned by those I so devotionally put my utmost trust in. I'm still completely dumbfounded, angry, and hurt. But that was a significant influence on my life for better or baffling.

What next? Well jeez, that actually furthered a whole slew of repetitive patterning where I committed myself fully to a project or group and was eventually removed and continue to this day to watch others reap the benefit of my blood, sweat, and tears. The most significant person who influenced my life in the past 5 years was the love of my life who utterly gut wrenchingly broke my heart and refuses to even acknowledge or credit me for any of the massive success he's had as a result of my most passionate dedication to seeing to the accomplishment of his dream. See.. none of this deeply personal trauma/drama is appropriate for such a vague generic question on a college application. I guess I should just do a standard mom or dad response or Gandhi. Well typing this has helped me put my life into perspective for sure! I hate how with all the boundless blessing I've received in my life, I think and feel like I'm a victim. It goes back to that one World History teacher in high school who taught me that no matter how hard I could ever perceive my life to be there are millions who have it way incredibly worse! Yep, her.. now to make sure I got her name right. Theresa Thisdale or Thomas maybe Thompson. I have one single friend from there on Facebook who I can ask.. she's actually the one who told me she died.

Next? Heh.. yay life!

Oct 28, 2013

In dreams..

I don't know what it is.. I'm just cursed. In dreams I feel alive. In dreams I feel I live...

Oct 25, 2013

DREAM: the other woman

Damnit! Why do I keep dreaming about Jxxx & Bxx? It's like the 3rd time this week! Why does it keep happening?

It's usually just me hanging out with them in a large group setting but kinda forcibly like we're all sleeping on the floor of their bedroom.. Jx is always really nice like we're good friends and Bxx is always weird and caddy about it.

There's always a bed, that's one of the consistent dream symbols. There's always a conversation with them in bed but they're lying on opposite ends of like a queen size bed as if they don't want to make me uncomfortable by being close together and that could be understandably why she's annoyed. I would be too! But why do I keep dreaming this?? Is it just some sorta unconscious need to feel or know that my connection with him is different and unique from what they share? I know that already! I don't know need to have it acted out on the dreambox sound soap stage to know that! I am gaining some satisfaction from seeing her annoyed and feeling slightly threatened by me, she did hit on him and flirted with him right in front of me! But it's making me really annoyed and uncomfortable! I feel like I need to apologize for the intrusion. I want nothing to do with them and their lives! I am perfectly content with only getting the absolute vaguest and extremely occasional news report which consist of nothing more than they're still together, he still lives in Mxxx, she still lives on Cxx, he still works in Seattle. Yesterday his brother informed me (me as well as all his FB friends) that he switched xx clinics to one in Gxxx or lake somewhere around there. That tidbit of info shouldn't trigger an intimate dream conversation, right? They're so real too and I feel like this setting is being forced on me too although in the dream I effectively play the aggressor ~ cool, calm, and confident, like I'm actively trying to make waves in their relationship but the truth is I don't want to be there and I'm torn apart on the inside. I'm just trying to do my best to handle the situation with dignity and the wedge that's lodged is all Bxx. She could have easily gone on the offense and clung to him and made me a pithy wreck where I couldn't even look nor speak to him.



Is this practice for some reason? Am I going to be forced to be a part of their lives again? Or is this just Venus in retrograde plus conjunct my natal Venus stuff? (plus Merc, Sun, Pluto all conjunct or nearly conjunct the same aspect in Capricorn which is my 8th house..) Of course the astrology is influencing it but that fact still doesn't tell me why is it playing out in this particular way for me nor is this a premonition like nearly all my realistic dreams (combined w/symbolism though never straight envisioned as will happen precisely) OR unconscious healing and processing or revenge like XX said? 

I don't get it. I'm sick of it! I want answers now. Angel send me insight! Please and thank you for your presence... Om

Jun 24, 2013

the wretched



asraiya & spooky robert at mercury
   The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. 

       ~ Ernest Hemingway


Jun 12, 2013

suffer

Did I abandon all my children in a past life? Banish them from the kingdom for just being who they are.. Who did I ignore? Who did I neglect? Did I not show love or ostracize everyone I ever came into contact with? Did I alienated someone to the point that they completely gave up all while rubbing it in their face how happy I was?




This life is too hard.. it seems I only came to suffer. 


Alone. 






pluto square pluto, uranus opposition pluto, chiron square neptune... sun in gemini, moon in leo

Jun 11, 2013

Aum Ha




 "He wrote to her...
Much of what you believe to be True is Not... much of what brings you pleasure in Truth is Not.... when tenderness and sweetness enter your heart, sorrow and death sleep in your bed... as such is the world of Samsara in which you are trapped. All fleeting loves are subservient to that permanent Love of All. That which brings us joy is but a mask of sorrow... which hides our shame from ourselves."

 ~ Roberto Flores


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