Sep 9, 2018

Dialogue be damned

Whenever I reflect upon my short comings, paranoid thinking due to incidents of abuse in my formative years that shattered my trust, and the pattern of rejection that seemed to reinforce it later as an adult locking me into a victim’s mindset... I think, at least I wasn’t raised Catholic! Then I’d never have a chance to effectively function in this world. 😳

Is this a form of survivor’s guilt? It seems to be common amongst victims of physical or sexual abuse as both a child or an adult and amongst those who suffer from ptsd. We outweigh our blessings and try to forget our trials. We don’t recognize where we were hurt and this disconnect leads to a psychosis of sorts because we can always look to who had it worse and insist that our privileges have built in an ability to cope. This is self delusional and it comes around to bite us in the foot when try to strive forward. 

But I have loving parents who worked hard to give me the best life that they could and continue to provide for me financially in my time of emotional recovery. But am I really in recovery? I’m still isolating myself while living in fear of being ostracized by my peers. I still don’t feel good enough to be accepted and ashamed I’ve had it so good! I still take every action and decision towards my placement in every group dynamic as a slight and proof that I’m a victim of bullying as an adult. I expect everyone in a position of authority to either feel jealous and threatened by me or just callously prey on my vulnerability to make me hurt. There’s no in between. Nobody wants to recognize my worth and place me on equal footing. Is this a self fulfilling prophesy or just the real way of the world? I can’t tell. 

I do know in an unstructured system of earning advancement where expectations are psycho-social as much as they are physical standards or merit based on effort shown, I’m petrified to leave my pedestal of withering dignity and surrounded by a chasm of hellish monsters and ghosts. People on the perimeter either ignore me seeing me frozen in resistance or whenever they call out to me, the chasm distorts these words. A traumatic childhood experience, no matter what the degree of atrocity nor the amount of nurturing received to contradict the extent of suffering, always results in a hyper-vigilant defense mechanism. My parents lied to me about Santa Claus for their own amusement and now I’m expected to dance like a monkey every time someone’s unconscious body language reveals some untruth to their words. I constantly look for behavior patterns to affirm or deny whatever I’ve been told. 

I’m suspicious and for good reason too because if you look beneath the surface everyone has personal biases and ulterior motives for what they do whether they’re aware of it or not. You can hold people to their word and maneuver yourself about the world positively and not get disturbed. However, if you’re confidence is eroded you fall into the fear that people are playing good faces while they undermine, plot, and cook. Thing is this too is not unreasonable or irrational because remember, if you play into that option people enjoy a good deception plot and will hold themselves in high regards all the while too. It’s up to you which path you choose and what part of the person’s programming do you add your piece of code. 

Woah 😎 Matrix swerve. The other result of childhood sexual trauma in addition to hyper-vigilance is disassociation, a refuge from personal pain. These combine to make one an expert in pattern recognition where you can always remove yourself to the level of statistics, mere metaphors, or writing in third person about your own deepest insights and experiences. Clinical. This is also what the IQ tests you for. People who can peer beneath the surface at how things work have high IQ scores. On the good neuro-normative side you can become an engineer, chemist, biologist, doctor, or physicist. On the neuro-atypical or emotionally damaged side you become an empath, drug addict, sensitive artist, self analyzing psychologist, social neurotic philosopher and self aggrandizing blogger. 

So what do I want? I want people to recognize me as special and treat me special and I don’t know why... I think it’s because of my trustworthiness, truthful intentions, loyalty and commitment to do right by everybody. I have this firm belief that if you’re only a good person people will be good to you but that’s not true. People perceive you, not as you perceive yourself, but how you perceive them! If you don’t trust someone, they won’t trust you either. If they belittle you, it’s you who’s belittling them. Someway, somehow, this is the way of the world...

With that I think I may have solved my problem!! This will be bizarre to put into practice and test but I think if I treat people better than they are, they will treat me better. Instead of focusing on projecting myself as competent and capable, project that they are exceptional and they’ll qualify me on their own accord. Weird. Seems manipulative. But if it works, it works! I suppose naturally trusting people follow this pattern automatically whereas I just always bring out the worst.. Sure couldn’t hurt to try something new if only habits could be installed and uninstalled like software. So do I wear my insecurity on my sleeve instead of bury it where it won’t be used against me? Fishing for compliments wouldn’t hurt since I need some encouragement. 

Thing is I’m hurt. Always hurt. Afraid. Cautious. But confident that I can do anything when given a chance!! The bridge is people though and I think I forgot that essential sit down session. It’s true that I’ve held a long developed habit of burying my head in the sand around the wrestling scene going all the way back to SSP after parties when the conversation would flip back and forth like lightning between kayfabe and politics. As a working circus artist and a respected friend, I was permitted to track and add ideas and speculate on the creative part but I didn’t speak wrestle jargon then and mainly knew folks by their stage names. Whenever they would flip to behind the scenes, and I’d ask tracking questions.. I was told “don’t worry about it” and “stay out of it” if it escalated and I drunkenly tried to mediate the mood. (btw.. There’s a movie of all of this!!) Policy was I stayed out of politics. Period. 

Problem is now I still don’t feel like I have a place backstage to talk and therefore my thoughts and feelings are superficial when they’re not. I’ve been smoking pot and avoiding talking then erupting in these enormous monologues all day all alone. Heheh. Here I was thinking I was hard working while I use working to avoid the hard work. Afraid. Cautious. Hurt. How’s this gonna work?

Feb 21, 2018

Why I Hate Using Facebook

The single reason why I absolutely HATE using facebook is it’s unbelievably annoying and constant need to change everything in more often than not failed attempts of improving user growth or gain competitive edge despite always being on top. It’s entirely too unpredictable and is irritating to no end when you grow to count on using a platform to market your business, but can’t count on your plans being fulfilled from day to day because every single day you have to brace yourself for change and waste a tremendous amount of could be productive time on re-educating yourself on how to use the site. It’s entirely too complicated because it tries to keep absorbing every new social media format made which has made it entirely too useless & time consuming, especially when all the time invested in something like gaining page likes gets thrown out the window to be replaced by groups. Actually groups was the thing that began to make me start checking out and I’ll explain precisely why in a min here.

What facebook 100% has failed to realize about the success of its competition is that simplicity and consistency outweighs features and functions. Facebook started out a streaming site almost exactly like twitter who’s success is based on merely the fact that it stayed true to its original format and made minimal changes over time. Facebook then in order to siphon user away from myspace integrated the personal page minus html options which I still think is lame btw.. Yes, it did indeed stage a coup and has been trying to replicate that same phenomenon much like Amazon has taken over the retail industry which it can’t and won’t ever achieve because we’re increasingly getting bitter by the audacity. We go to twitter, snapchat, instagram, tumbler etc. to escape facebook for at least a moment of mental sanity because they’re simple one trick ponies which is surprisingly refreshing! Where facebook once was a service that helped connect us with people like by hosting event pages for free, it now requires more and more time spent in isolation trying to process all this homework it’s made. Have to go to 100 different group pages and comment on a dozen different original posts and try to maintain a million different conversations all at once while remaining chipper and friendly aka likeable is overwhelming af. We’re consumer hostages like rats in a maze being experimented on which is why I refuse to log on more than once a week and my profile holds a disclaimer saying I don’t bother trying to keep up with notifications and won’t feel bad for it either. Not worth stressing! Suck it. Peace. 

Feb 14, 2018

At last.. Victory means Validation!

I had an appointment today with the clinical psychologist who serves as the director of Harborview Mental Health & Recovery Services. He said yes, approximately 1 in 50 are in fact considered good candidates for self medicating ADD diagnosis instead of considered meth addicts. Having no criminal record nor history of emergency room visits due to overdosing, the fact I'm 42 with all my teeth and don't look like the typical user and maintain a perfectly reasonable cognitive level and regular meal & rest schedule makes me a candidate. I was right! I didn't give up on myself because I knew there was a better option than absolute abstinence until eventual frustrating relapse occurrence when I would finally decide that my will was to do the things I am capable of instead of be a helpless spectator. Neither were good for my self esteem but I determined I was happier when I am productive and would just have to accept the loneliness as drug use is a relationship deal breaker says everyone including people who are bipolar, alcoholics, Ducati addicts without internal organs from racing wrecks.. whatever! Everyone thinks they are the exception to being able to judge poor impulse control behavior and it's impossible for someone under demon drug possession to carefully assess their own situation to come to an unpopular conclusion that might actually be true and 100% valid. To all the haters and the ex who conveniently used the excuse instead of admitting to his serial situation:


Feb 12, 2018

Tinder FTW

My profile blurbs written for tinder then cut/pasted, edited/saved on notepad app as a collection for tits n giggles:

 8/21/2017 ~ Perpetually challenged by the transition from app to real world relationship awkwardness arising approx. 3-4 dates in when it's too casual to delete tinder but too intimate to avoid weird feelings...

8/4/2017 ~ Never give up! Give back more than you take so that you know you're leaving the world a better place than the one where you came. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. Choose better! Find an imperfect person and accept them anyway knowing you're far from perfect but capable of achieving greatness if someone would only lend you a little hope & faith for a min instead of apathetical instant judgement with no real knowledge from which to base. Change the fucking world! Heal instead of hate.

12/14/2017 ~ I prefer lanky to “healthy”

younger to older,

long hair to no hair,

and hook up to pen pal most definitely.

However, I’d rather repeat something satisfying than keep swiping and trying so seeking a regular exclusive fwb for bareback & cuddling. 

Sign up now for an interview & possibly an audition!

3/17/2017 ~ I'm a circus πŸŽͺ soul sister who's currently  obsessed w/ pro wrestling monkeys.πŸ’ My parents are still married so despite having no interest in child rearing, I believe in love and long term monogamous relationships and I'll never give up!

Know Thyself πŸ”₯ Igni Natura Renevatu Integra!

No kids, never married, one kitty.

I live to DANCE & inspire transcendency. 🎭

9/11/2017 ~ I enjoy long walks through sprinklers on my way home from the bar... I'm here to find someone who's also willing to adopt alien babies, be a family, and one day go home to the stars!


Finally figured out why a few weeks back I was experiencing a high rate of responses/messages from matches, by tinder standards that is (approx 20%) and suddenly it stopped 

😱 You guys aren’t interested in “Feminists” which by the very definition in semantical terms should be ALL FEMALES but of course there are always some tragically dumb apes amongst us πŸ¦πŸ™ŠπŸΆπŸ™ˆπŸ©

Real men aren’t opposed to women asking (**to not be raped a 3rd time!!**) for EQUALITY

2/7/2018 ~

I “look like fun” apparently. I have fun doing a lot of things. I make things fun even while working. If you’re bored, then you’re boring! If you need sex, you’re not very sexy!! Giving is hot. Patience is appealing. Intelligence is a turn on. Fun is not always getting your fantasy fulfilled but showing appreciation for a person’s time anyway. Nothing in this world is free and especially not intimacy. It is earned by decency & learned with respect. Be a gentlemen or you can go suck it. 

2/12/2018 ~

Bullet ClubπŸ€˜πŸ»πŸ’‹πŸ€˜πŸ»πŸ’‹πŸ€˜πŸ»

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! Tuesday 2/13

I’m so much fun that I dedicate my whole entire life to serving others as a visionary catalyst for a non-profit art org founded & directed by myself. I’m a pro wrestling fan for a hobby which I work really hard at but my dream still is to be a Cirque du Soleil character in a show touring the world. I’m also looking for a life partner, not to be your life nor versa vice but experiencing feels in time. 

IG: @asraiyaonfire

Jan 27, 2018

It is not okay to HATE Feminists!!

I sometimes feel like I really am living in the Emerald City, not the pleasant nickname of Seattle, but in the merry land of Oz populated by mostly midgets because this world we all are living in now is not the same one I grew up in. πŸ’ Sure, I've been an adult for 20 years and in those 20 years technology has changed just about everything but for the most part it has brought the human race closer towards a general consensus about certain things such as this declaration written in 1848:
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men and women are created equal; that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Living on Earth approx. 40 years ago in the USA one thing was adamantly taught to us children and made perfectly clear to me: Women are equal to Men and are to be treated with respect and dignity. So why or how all of a sudden now in 2018 I'm told by one of my tinder matches that he's "not interested in feminists." 😐 Is this part of the Russian brainwashing that managed to get Trump elected? I don't care how much you might hate Hilary Clinton for whatever reason, she was not at all campaigning on a platform of feminism! I have to say I respect her for that because she too thought that would have been backwards and her actual real experience in politics would stand for itself. Apparently not because any man right now would launch into some crooked corruption rhetoric which will be funny once Mueller's investigation is done and we all know just how crooked Trump is. Maybe they both are/were? Doesn't matter! It was a year ago.

compliments of 

When the term feminism first entered English toward the mid-19th century, it meant “feminine qualities or character,” a sense no longer in use. (Its companion term, feminist, also entered the language around that time, but it is not certain whether it was then used to mean anything other than “feminine or womanly.”)However, toward the end of the 19th century, both feminism and feminist unambiguously took on their modern meanings related to equal rights for women.

To say that you hate feminist is saying you won't tolerate a woman standing up for her personal rights: the right to be the only one who says what she can and can't do with her body throughout the course of her life. Women are not men's property like a pet or a slave to use and control! Women should also be paid equal to men because gone are the days of hard manual labor where it could maybe have been said woman are less productive in lifting large objects. Anyone sitting on their ass staring at a computer all day for work is no more or less superior for having a penis attached. Men don't want a test comparison in productivity between genders anymore because you know you would be shamed but women don't wish to harm your fragile egos! They just want an equal chance at the pursuit of happiness if they're going to have to go the whole way alone and not work together with an equal partner which is looking like it lately πŸ˜”πŸ’”...

This brings me to dating but no, finishing politics first. There seems to be this perception of a hairy armed hippie chic from the 70's or bull dyke lesbian man hater in the eyes of straight hetero cis men (gay guys will just giggle at you if you look to them for back-up and maybe say "ew!" but they mean that differently than you'd assume..) I am not going to get into abortion here other than to say that it is used to divide women from those who realize God is obviously not going to intervene when it comes to our life here on Earth and when you are poor struggling to eat and have somewhere to live, you know sometimes in order to survive you have to make decisions for what you emotionally & physically can handle. If you are being abused by a man whom you fear may kill you and pregnant with his child, the smartest choice for your survival is escape with no ties to him at all so that you have the full support of the law behind you. Everyone knows that child legally binds you to a person for 18 years unless they waive their own rights or have them removed by a court of law. Both options are extremely hazardous to either your emotional and/or physical safety especially if you can barely feed yourself and can only stay somewhere if you're quiet and not annoying anybody. πŸ˜©πŸ™…

another inspirobot 

There have been a very small handful of ultra conservative politically or religiously motivated women who have claimed under pressure of men most likely, or their party to say they are not "feminist" which means they are Stepford Wives. Seriously! This does not make it okay to try to be divisive on the word "feminism" which once again means "having the characteristics associated with females" as in being into girly stuff. It's okay for you to say you didn't play with dolls and you don't wear pink but it's not okay to say on a dating site where you're trying to persuade women to at the very least have sex with you that you hate women who wear pink and you're not interested in them if they're into it.


Do you think that the world will honestly be a better place if we go back to the days when women are owned by their husbands and you only get the one and that's it but they will do whatever you want them to do without any game? If you want "variety" you have to go fight another one's husband so no more bro-mances, you're mortal enemies in defending your fortress you had to build by yourself with your hands... See! Women's equality isn't so bad now, is it? πŸ™†✌

yup, inspirobot duh..

Dialogue be damned

Whenever I reflect upon my short comings, paranoid thinking due to incidents of abuse in my formative years that shattered my trust, and the...