Dec 29, 2007


ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.
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Type Seven- The Enthusiast
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Dec 19, 2007

Solsticing by your's Truly

A friend on LJ wrote to me:

> 93 ad infinitum.
> How hi are you? Oops, One means, hi how are you?
> All is well on one's planet. Possibly one did not
> mention that he lives upon a planet where christianity
> is breathing it's last gasp and almost completely
> eradicated. Well, one can still dream.
> Writing to possibly get your opinion on a Ritual one
> has revised for Winter Solstice. Have only revised
> the duties of 4 officers down to 2 officers (due to lack of people only.) All else is same. Will end with Resh Kephra and a recital of Liber A'ASH VEL CAPRICORNUS SUB FIGURA CCCLXX. All being performed outside beginning at dusk with large candle circle, altar and all other implements involved. Would appreciate the opinion of a fellow Thelemite and (not to mention) incredibly hot aspirant to universal mysteries. One has only performed L.B.R.P., Gnostic mass a few times and other basic Rituals. So, one finds himself pretty excited. Your collaberation and/or comment would be righteous. So, with that one shall push the little send button whilst imagining herds of cud-chewing, cattle like christians grazing in a large field of toxic grass in a Jim Jones type of mass suicide setting, all alieviating our beautiful world of their neurosis causing crapulous creeds.
> 93 Flame Goddess.

My response:


Hehehehe... Banishing ritual of the pentagram? You're up one on me! I have Priestessed 3 times at the Thelema Lodge in Ca. but I'm a natural mystic not a formal magickian, though I do ritual performances but it's all intuitive creating. The Star Ruby, Middle Pillar etc. is all gibberish to me and it makes me feel like fantasy convention/trekkie/D&D geek who can't stop goofing/giggling (gasp! : ) A ritual works best if it comes from the heart instead of reciting tongue twisting things you can't quite remember correctly on the spot suddenly and there's no right or wrong when it comes to some technicality as long as the intention is clear. I usually celebrate Winter Solstice by keeping a fire lit (bonfire or candle it matters not just a symbol for the light of the Sun) throughout the longest night of the year awaiting sunrise which I will greet in celebration, exhaustion, and relief!!!

Invite everybody regardless of their faith to witness and create a new tradition collectively...

93 93/93


Nov 13, 2007

Zero by Bill Heidrick

I think this is so beautiful like the truth shining through! It's an intro to his writing called "The Road to the Sun" about his work with The Tree of Life available at


All things have one beginning and one ending. The end is the beginning. I was born into this world at 9:10 in the morning on August ninth, 1943 e.v. in Chico California and I have lived many lives since my birth. Some of these lives have been joyful, some have held the bitter pain of innocence, some have been blind anger, some have been filled with the softness of love. I have learned to hate. In hate I could find no one to hate but myself. The hate was great enough to teach love. The love was small enough to banish hate forever. Now love grows inexorably toward Chesed and that which is beyond all loves and hates, yet ever in love and ever the object of hate. No end and no beginning, yet the semblance of both. Drink deeply in these reflections and know yourself in me. We are one, you and I; and in our oneness we may transcend all and reach the great silence that is somehow everything and nothing. A truth so obvious may be a secret forever.

Let us make an oath never to deceive or willfully hide growing thoughts from one another. There are many secret lodges hiding in their secret thoughts. To know the tale and tell it not is death, and such lodges always die with their makers. True secrets keep themselves until gentle wooing brings them as lovers to our souls. There is no master of such mysteries save the master of the inmost self. Let us share this pledge, brothers and sisters: that light which comes to each of us let us share with any who are open to receive.

There is no jealous god or scheming devil to torment such as we. There are mysteries of great beauty behind these dull and grotesque masks. These masks have been made by half enlightened men who refuse to trod the next step on the way. They remain as bleached and grinning skulls to frighten children into false and stiffening maturity. There is no pain of evil and no sin save by clandestine agreement between half asleep self deceivers. There is no truth but only Truth. That truth we tend to all our lives. Enlightenment is not knowledge of truth; it is steady and continuing growth toward timelessness and perfection beyond the current perfection.

Let us bind ourselves in one more oath. Say anything, even judgments of one another; but let the judgments be soft words forgotten by the speaker as they are spoken. Let us not compare spiritual progress. Let us share our acts and joys, our sorrows and our yearnings; but let no one say: "My state is better than another's." Neither shall anyone say: "I lack the perfections of my brother." This is folly of the lowly sort. Let us partake of the folly of light and make no hateful comparisons. No one can truly know who stands higher and who lower beneath the open Eye of God. In matters of this world there are necessary comparisons to be made, but these mean nothing in the Great Work.

Still, such experiments and searches as we make may aid others to know themselves. Let us share such when we can. Our Order is a great one which has no bounds or rulers. It is the order of Beings and we are of the lodge of Humanity. There is no higher order and no more rightful lodge.

Nov 8, 2007

A.'.A.'.A on Indigos

I'm blue da bo dee da da

The reason indigos are associated with new age is because the new age movement started when the first tribe of us left high school and home and finally took a breath and looked around (94 for me) I so have a very strong aversion to my hippy dippy days and I hate "new age" because it was so annoying having to filter to all this tourist trap crap and sideshow rip-offs with people chaneling all this bullshit for a buck but it definately taught me real quick how to discern the way the truth feels opposed to illusion and especially lies! It was just a process of decompressing everyone here, kinda like alien entertainment, original hippies, rainbows, and those rastas that drilled it into my head over and over Babylon going down so we can go to Zion.. I can't believe I just noticed that Zion=156!! That's a coincidence of New Age proportions : ) musta been too in my face to see...

The thing I relate to the most about indigos is how I've always felt like it's me against the world but for the greater good no matter what. The idea of others fufills this need I have to know I'm not alone. Plus it fits the natural progression of evolution to move towards telepathy and then stop breeding so we can begin to communicate instead which is also evident genetically when homosexuality becomes a common defect (no judgement there whatsoever- I love gay guys! from a perpetuation of the species perspective it looks like the neccessity for breeding obviously is not so much..) If there was a global castastrophe right now I bet we would find that human females can immaculately conceive (aka virgin birth) like a magic trick or we were made in God's image who creates and has no sex, duh : )

See that's another trait that proves the indigos to me is we see through the veil (the third eye or binah=blue, chokmah=purple) as we remember what all the myths and symbols are suppose to remind us of instead of teach us some big secret we're unaware of. We can read the bluemap and understand how everything comes back around full circle and completes itself.


Oct 11, 2007

Crystal Work for Indigos

The Indigo Children have been incarnating on the Earth for the last 100 years. The early Indigos were pioneers and wayshowers. After World War II, a significant number were born, and these are the Indigo adults of today. However, in the 1970s a major wave of Indigos was born, and so we have a whole generation of Indigos who are now in their late twenties and early thirties who are about to take their place as leaders in the world. Indigos continued to born up to about 2000, with increasing abilities and degrees of technological and creative sophistication.

The Crystal Children began to appear on the planet from about 2000, although some date them slightly earlier. These are extremely powerful children, whose main purpose is to take us to the next level in our evolution, and reveal to us our inner power and divinity. They function as a group consciousness rather than as individuals, and they live by the" Law of One" or Unity Consciousness. They are a powerful force for love and peace on the planet.

The Indigo and Crystal Adults are composed of two groups. Firstly, there are those who were born as Indigos and are now making the transition to Crystal. This means they undergo a spiritual and physical transformation that awakens their "Christ" or "Crystal" consciousness and links them with the Crystal children as part of the evolutionary wave of change. The second group is those who were born without these qualities, but have aquired or are in the process of aquiring them through their own hard work and the diligent following of a spiritual path. Yes, this means that all of us have the potential to be part of the emerging group of "human angels".

The following extract describes the difference between Indigo and Crystal Children. It is from Doreen Virtue's article Indigo and Crystal Children:

The first thing most people notice about Crystal Children is their eyes, large, penetrating, and wise beyond their years. Their eyes lock on and hypnotize you, while you realize your soul is being laid bare for the child to see. Perhaps you've noticed this special new "breed" of children rapidly populating our planet. They are happy, delightful and forgiving. This generation of new lightworkers, roughly ages 0 through 7, are like no previous generation. Ideal in many ways, they are the pointers for where humanity is headed ... and its a good direction!

The older children (approximately age 7 through 25), called "indigo Children", share some characteristics with the Crystal Children. Both generations are highly sensitive and psychic, and have important life purposes. The main difference is their temperament. Indigos have a warrior spirit, because their collective purpose is to mash down old systems that no longer serve us. They are here to quash government, educational, and legal systems that lack integrity. To accomplish this end, they need tempers and fiery determination.

Those adults who resist change and who value conformity may misunderstand the Indigos. They are often mislabeled with psychiatric diagnoses of Attention Deficit with Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Sadly, when they are medicated, the Indigos often lose their beautiful sensitivity, spiritual gifts and warrior energy..........In contrast, the Crystal Children are blissful and even-tempered. Sure, they may have tantrums occasionally, but these children are largely forgiving and easy-going. The Crystals are the generation who benefit from the Indigos trailblazing. First, the Indigo Children lead with a machete, cutting down anything that lacks integrity. Then the Crystal Children follow the cleared path, into a safer and more secure world.

The terms "Indigo" and "Crystal" were given to these two generations because they most accurately describe their aura colours and energy patterns. Indigo children have a lot of indigo blue in their auras. This is the colour of the "third eye chakra", which is the energy center inside the head located between the two eyebrows. This chakra regulates clairvoyance, or the ability to see energy, visions, and spirits. Many of the Indigo children are clairvoyant

The Crystal Children have opalescent auras, with beautiful multi-colours in pastel hues. This generation also shows a fascination for crystals and rocks......

Indigo Children can sense dishonesty, like a dog can sense fear. Indigos know when they're being lied to, patronized, or manipulated. And since their collective purpose is to usher us into a new world of integrity, the Indigos inner lie-detectors are integral. As mentioned before, this warrior spirit is threatening to some adults. And the Indigos are unable to conform to dysfunctional situations at home, work, or school. They don't have the ability to dissociate from their feelings and pretend like everything's okay ...unless they are medicated or sedated.

Crystal Children's innate spiritual gifts are also misunderstood. Specifically, their telepathic abilities which lead them to talk later in life.

In the new world which the Indigos are ushering in, we will all be much more aware of our intuitive thoughts and feelings. We won't rely so much upon the spoken or written word. Communication will be faster, more direct, and more honest, because it will be mind to mind. Already, increasing numbers of us are getting in touch with our psychic abilities. Our interest in the paranormal is at an all-time high, accompanied by books, television shows, and movies on the topic.

So, it's not surprising that the generation following the Indigos are incredibly telepathic. Many of the Crystal Children have delayed speech patterns, and its not uncommon for them to wait until they're 3 or 4 years old to begin speaking. But parents tell me they have no trouble communicating with their silent children. Far from it! The parents engage in mind-to-mind communication with their Crystal Children. And the Crystals use a combination of telepathy, self-fashioned sign language, and sounds (including song) to get their point across.

The trouble comes about when the Crystals are judged by medical and educational personnel as having "abnormal" speaking patterns. It's no coincidence that as the number of Crystals are born, that the number of diagnoses for autism is at a record high.

It's true that the Crystal Children are different from other generations. But why do we need to pathologize these differences? If the children are successfully communicating at home, and the parents are'nt reporting any problems... then why try to make a problem? The diagnostic criteria for autism is quite clear. It states that the autistic person lives in his or her own world, and is disconnected from other people. The autistic person doesn't talk because of an indifference to communicating with others.

Crystal Children are quite the opposite. They are among the most connected, communicative, caring and cuddly of any generation. They are also quite philosophical and spiritually gifted. And they display an unprecedented level of kindness and sensitivity to this world. Crystal Children spontaneously hug and care for people in need. An autistic person wouldn't do that!

In my book "The Care and Feeding of Indigo Children", I wrote that ADHD should stand for Attention Dialed into a Higher Dimension. This would more accurately describe that generation. In the same vein, Crystal Children don't warrant a label of autiem. They aren't autistic! They're AWE-tistic!

These children are worthy of awe, not labels of dysfunction. If anyone is dysfunctional, it's the systems that aren't accommodating the continuing evolution of the human species. If we shame the children with labels, or medicate them into submission, we will have undermined a heaven-sent gift. We will crush a civilization before its had time to take roots. Fortunately, there are many positive solutions and alternatives. And the same heaven that sent us the Crystal Children can assist those of us who are advocates for the children.........

The following is an extract from Celia's forthcoming book,"The Indigo-Crystal Adventure". which explains more about the metaphysical aspects of the Indigo-Crystal experience.



The Indigo and Crystal children that come to the planet are known as "starchildren". Often this is because their souls are more at home in the stars, and they have not incarnated on Earth before. They come at this time as a "special assignment" team to assist Earth and her inhabitants with their transition and rebirth as a higher dimensional "New Earth".

But while these beings appear like ordinary human beings, they do in fact have access to a greater range of human potential. They are more open to who they are, closer to a recognition of their divine origins and essence.

Indigo children are born onto the Indigo Soul Ray of Incarnation and Evolution. This means they have access to the gifts of clairvoyance and healing. They are also able to access what may be termed the Fourth and Fifth Dimensions of Consciousness, while most humans have access only to the Third and Fourth. This Higher Dimensional access, together with the Indigo Ray soul gifts, means that Indigos are naturally more intelligent, more sensitive and more clairvoyant. They are also creative, and often able to access the left and right brains with ease, making them artistically gifted, but also technologically competent and adventurous.

The Crystal children, on the other hand, are mostly born into the Gold Ray of Incarnation and Evolution. They are born on the Sixth Dimension of Consciousness, with the potential to open up rapidly to the Ninth Dimensional level of Full Christ Consciousness, and then from there to the Thirteenth Dimension which represents Universal Consciousness.

With these gifts and abilities, Crystal beings are immensely powerful and creative. Many of them carry the Gold and Magenta Rays, which makes them masters of creation, especially with light and sound. This manifests as artistic and musical creativity on the Earth plane. Those who carry the Indigo-Silver Ray, are also gifted as the "mothers" and "goddesses" of the planet, and carry the feminine vibration of healing and nurturing. Those on the Red-Gold Ray, on the other hand, carry the masculine vibration of manifestation and are often the leaders in the more active sense.

The Future Crystal child will be known as a "Rainbow Crystal" being. This is the fully developed Thirteen Dimensional Universal Human Being, able to carry and transmit all the Rays of Incarnation and Evolution within their vibrational field. There are Rainbow Crystal beings already on planet Earth, but they are yet to open into their full potential.

The exciting thing about these evolutionary developments, for ordinary people, is that the Indigo and Crystal beings bring these vibrations to the planet in order to share them with others. By their very presence, they assist others to move into these new vibrations and open up to their full potential as well. The Indigo-crystal gift to the planet is the gift of Evolution and access to our full potential, for every human being on the planet today, if they so choose.

At this point, many people who are allowing this shift or transition within their own auric fields, have moved from their original Third Dimensional state of awareness into the Indigo and then the Crystal states, with the assistance of the children who hold the vibration. These adults are now able to hold the Gold Ray of Evolution in their Eighth chakras, and are helping to create a matrix for the creation of the New Earth. This pulsating Gold light can be clearly seen in their auras by those with clairvoyance and the ability to perceive auric colours.

The Human Angel

One of the gifts of this transitional process, is that Humans are becoming aware of who they truly are: that they are Spirits in Human bodies, and that they are, in other words, Angels in human form.

We have been aware of our connections to the higher realms for many thousands of years, but have always felt that out "human" and material state somehow "shut" us off from our angelic inheritance. We would speak about our "Higher Self", knowing that we had access to this aspect of ourselves, but somehow it was not quite a part of who we were, and could only be accessed in meditation.

Part of the reason for this was that our physical forms were locked into the Third Dimension, but our Higher or Angelic self was of a much finer and higher vibration and was more at home in the Higher Dimensions. So there was always a "gap" between the material manifestation of the human body and consciousness and the spiritual reality.

Now, however, with the vibrational shift that the planet is experiencing, which is aptly called "Ascension", the Earth and her inhabitants have the opportunity to "ascend" from the Third Dimension of consciousness upwards into the Higher Dimensions. As the consciousness ascends higher, the spiritual world comes closer, until there is no longer a "gap" but a continuum that is termed "Multi-Dimensional Consciousness".

In this state, the human being is able to access both the material and spiritual realms with ease. There is no longer any need for intense meditation, since the access to the spirit realm is immediate and evident. People in the Multi-Dimensional state have accessed their Angelic presence or state, and recognise themselves as Spirit beings or Angels who also have a human body and are able to function in the material plane as material beings.

At this point, the Higher Self and the Lower self can be said to have blended, and the Human being is now a Human Angel.

The Human Angel is constantly aware of themselves as Angelic and as Powerful and Creative. They have no time or need for things such as fear and victim dramas. Their time is better spent in creating the kind of reality in which they would be happy and content.

Many Indigo and crystal children are already almost at this point of awareness, if not fully within it. As are many of the Indigo-Crystal adults who have made the transition to this state. It is these new beings, able to claim both their human and angelic inheritances, who will create the New Earth.

It is important to state, at this point, that it is imperative that those who make the transition into awareness of their angelic selves, be also aware of how important it is to be human and to be well grounded in the material dimensions or planes. The whole point of the Transition is to bring "Heaven" to "Earth", and not to drift away into some ungrounded paradise state.

For Human Angels there is work to do. Creating a New Earth that will bring Heaven to Earth. And since "heaven" is not so much a place as a state of consciousness, these Human Angels must work to bring the higher dimensional states of consciousness to the Earth plane. Once this is achieved, then a planetary culture will be birthed that will respect all beings as manifestations of the Divine Essence. And this culture will reflect that respect in its peace, harmony and creativity.

Sep 19, 2007

meh ma support group.. rant

Reading this woman's blog about clinical depression just reaffirmed for me what I've been thinking after my first group meeting thing I attended called Smart Recovery.. First of all do you know how much speed I had to do just to get up the nerve to go admit to a group of strangers that I'm high on meth? It's ridiculous! Total fucking anxiety death trap.. but I lived. Thing is though, I'm not going to make it in this model either (opposed to AA/12 step/disease model) because the conditions and situation of being chemically dependent on MA is so completely different than any other substance that to be in anything but a substance specific program for at the very least stimulant users is possibly more damaging than good. I tend to agree with the disease model in that I've come to understand and accept that this IS something I will struggle with for the rest of my life, that I AM an addict and notion that I can overcome it alone by way of pure cognitive rationalization is wrong. It's not that any such skills an attempts are futile, it's just that it requires a whole arsenal of methods, resources, support, and medical supervision to get to the source of where the deep undercover covert operative is embedded because most likely it's hijacked and/or converted a good portion of your weapons against you! The biggest misunderstanding or misperception about substance abuse is that the physically addictive substances are more dangerous than the psychological ones. That tidbit of information, the fact that MA is "only" psychologically addictive is precisely the reason why I didn't put a stop to it at the 2-3 mo. mark because then I wasn't as much of a head case as I am now! I had a list of "just say no" substances but everything else was worth testing a time or two just for enhancing my experience with alter levels of consciousness. MA didn't make that list when in fact it should have been the only one on it! Now I'm being told that since it's not a physical addiction (meaning my body will literally not function properly for a bit while I'm  confronted with cravings) then it should be easier to convince yourself to keep away from it.. I WISH I COULD REASONABLY AND RATIONALLY COMPREHEND JUST HOW SICK I AM. There are way worse things to have to contend with than the pain of recovering from a physical crisis! A psychological crisis is far more terrifying because you can't tell if or when nor how long it's been or how much longer it will take to heal. I am physically strong as a mama bear but equally as vulnerable and dangerous.. What's going on here in the mythological medical faux pas is that drugs like opiates & alcohol affect certain involuntary organs in the body and change the way they function the result of which is a motor skills reactionary impairment. When sustained over a certain time period sudden changes in the environment could cause them to malfunction or even fail and yes, it's a very real, valid risk but when not an extremely high tolerance situation still it's just a physical urge or craving. Supposedly what separates us humans from animals is our ability to not give in to these primal urges in order to refine ourselves from our experiences and attain to what we call civilized. Yes, you can keep yourself from not panting when appropriate and keep your sweating to a minimum. Alcohol DT's are your heart pounds like you jogged a little stretch and proceeds to continue somewhat even though you're sitting down and no longer need extra oxygen for your limbs so they start to tremble as if collecting static.. embarrassing and frightening if you don't know why or what's causing it but about the only psychological effect is that your brain didn't bother producing melatonin because you didn't need it to trigger sleep, you passed out fine by yourself.. but the good news is that you can easily replace it with an OTC supplement until your brain gets back from vacation.

Stimulants on the other hand have a lesser effect on these organs although it does indeed stimulate your heart just the opposite of narcotics (which is why we tweakers are experts on this whole self medication regimen..) and your metabolism etc. but the number one ORGAN in your PHYSICAL BODY it has a PROFOUND effect upon is YOUR BRAIN. What's the 2 organs that you can't live without/where do you shoot if you aim to kill? That's what they call a "psychological" addiction!! Oh your brain is just rapidly deteriorating and the longer you have used the substance the less it can function without it.. but it's just YOUR HEAD?!?! Well at least you can still control your penis because if you peed in your pants that would be uncomfortable being all, you know, wet... (tweaker falls into a sudden anxiety attack at the mere notion of having to be around someone who'd so obviously be utterly humiliated and they need to take another hit so they can figure out how they would hypothetically handle it intelligently and rational and sympathetic but without actually imagining how they would feel if it were them because the trauma would be incapacitating.. (See the tweaker suffers from an exceptional empathic sense of self a pertains to others and a complete collapse of self confidence because of their psychological crutch to make up for it..) Summoning the courage to confess your weakness when in the midst of a crisis is cause enough for crisis in its own accord. Tell a person that they need or really should "get some help" is cold calculated cruelty to them because they're in a crisis, of course they need fucking help! Are you all out of compassion? Can't you even be considerate then and not rub it in that I need help and you don't because you're too good to be hurt which makes you too good to give me some help. My god, I sympathize with every single nuance of despair hidden or otherwise hinted at of yours trying to show you that I care and offer you unconditional human uh connection.. (despite the horror) I would PHYSICALLY literally walk to the ends of the earth, with no sleep, just a bag of speed, ceaselessly to help you!!? I can't believe you don't understand how hurt I am? Here, some hurt for you so eventually you'll connect on some level and treat me like a human.. puppies get treated better because they're cuter than I am... Just shoot me! *whimper *whimper *grabs purse heads to bathroom  *****reappears unaffected or ~quick change~ *recovers by going from victim to retaliatory abuser as defense mechanism all with the assumption that you get that it's a dose of your own medicine even though you thought you were being sincere but you can't understand a soul in torment because it is seriously sabotaged by a physical flooded carburetor, failed ignition, and they're outta oil trying to just give it some gas ~ it will fire up, always does! This is what a psychological addiction does. Heartbeat regulated, wipers on, go! vrooom...? oops ~ emergency brake heheh.. snap out of it! it's all in your head!

wtf? guess I'm crazy.. awesome I'll just add that to my to do list and GET IT FIXED soon as find me some HELP but what's the use? nobody can help because no one cares for a junkyard cat...

*note this was actually written on or around 1/5/2012 but I buried it in my archives, hiding it from general view, post dated the post a few years so it won't appear on the front page/home but is publicly published and accessible for anyone researching the topic of meth addiction, treatment. I will help in any way I can by sharing my experience etc!

Sep 17, 2007


*Never permit the thought or will of any other Being to interfere with your own.
Be constantly vigilant to resent, and on the alert to resist, with unvanquishable ardour and vehemence of passion unquenchable, every attempt of any other Being to influence you otherwise than by contributing new facts to your experience of the Universe, or by assisting you to reach a higher synthesis of Truth by the mode of passionate fusion.

Jun 24, 2007

exhaulted with knives

I've had an epiphany which makes me happy because a new friend reminded me how much I like that word and was hoping to use it soon maybe.. but the epiphany itself is annoying because I've been really exhausting myself with this lately and it seems really stupid and totally silly. Let me pause though right there for a note in case you have been concerned about me with a certain trial or posted tribulating and if so why thank you for being concerned as I was quite concerned about me, honestly, too. I've doubted almost everything at some point but my perseverity is not one of these in the least before this past thing. Yes it too has passed and I'm thanking the shrines of mercy, prayers for me or generally everything seen or unseen that had any effect on assisting me whatsoever, and then me as well obviously because I Will not give up! Absolutely! Unless it kills me and that's for damn sure! I can be certain of that now at least. It was beyond belief how difficult a test it was because on the surface and especially by rational standards it should have been minor for me because I've come a really long way on releasing attachments, and acknowledged and set free much, much more significant soul bonding but this was a very different kind of test indeed because there was an intentional danger which I never expected to encounter so directly indirectly with such a horribly malicious core, wherever it came from or whatever that energy was it was not a part of me! Like love didn't work because it would not assimilate which I have encountered but I've always sensed instantly and squashed like a mosquito.. This was very new however, methodic tacticfully, cold and calculated, disguised perfectly etc.. but that just must mean the game is ON my friends and I'm glad because I hate waiting, have the best team- we're professionals at this for christsake, and I already know the outcome anyway so get on it already. I say let's make up a little strategy shall we? Okay then, now where were we? Where did my epiphany go? K got it- I've found this to be with true with some other folks hence calling it an epiphany so check it out cuz once it occurs to you if you're doing it too you can be annoyed and bitch with me: ) No, of all the things to get hung up on this is gotta be the dumbest thing. I've been like waiting, or applying for, or trying to earn in some way, register maybe, thinking I need to get everyone else's permission to go ahead and step up to the plate, arise and be the best me, the truest me, not because I need reassuring nor have I any doubts, insecurities, fear of failing if I try NOPE, not it at all. I know purely what is will that's not a questionable thing. I'm wanting to get like a socially acceptable behavior model diagram or ethics class for dummies, etiquitte training for the gods and goddesses, archetypes and deities, and there isn't any good functionable myths still applicable from our history.. So I'm afraid I'll be rude, upstage someone, hurt their feelings, become a total bitch if I become the highest part of me move outwardly. That's ridiculous I think. This mean something hasn't occured to yet, huh? Well I'm ready to bring it regardless Anybody else? How bout I go and you follow my lead and back me up, no wait you go first, okay on the count of 3- Ready? 1...

Jun 2, 2007

pretty when you cry

Pretty When You Cry by VAST

you're made of my river baby
you're made of my sin
and i cant tell where your lust ends and where your love begins
i didn't want to hurt you baby
i didn't want to hurt you
i didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry
and the moon gives me permission and i enter through her eyes
she's losing her virginity and all her will to compromise
i didn't want to hurt you baby
i didn't want to hurt you
i didn't want to hurt you but you're pretty when you cry
i didn't want to fuck you baby
i didn't want to fuck you
i didn't want to fuck you but you're pretty when you're mine
i didn't really love you baby
i didn't really love you
i didn't really love you but i'm pretty when i lie
you hurt me baby
i hurt you baby
if you knew how much i love you, you would run away
but when i treat you bad it always makes you want to stay
i didn't want to hurt you baby
i didn't want to hurt you baby
how can you do this to me now?

May 22, 2007

prince of wands

okay so I'm making my prediction so I can say I told ya so. Side note- I think I have a new msg.r stalker and I'm absolutely not referring to you Marco- you're a fabulous fairy tale daydream (strictly coherently creative, grounded and harmless- human not idolistic, with not the slightest notion of an expectation. Nothing but respect k!) that's welcomely distracting me a tiny bit from the agonizing acceptance phase of a failed recent relationship that I want to fight with the passion of a religion or something but know, like a religion, is doomed to not save anybody. I only have like 5-8 "friends" on LJ btw all most entirely strangers that I thankfully can thus be myself with, not that I'm hiding much... sphinx! Hmm, what was I writing about? Oh there's something going on around now with I wrote "statue of liberty girl and her prince were walking down stream" before having coffee maybe 3 years ago that I believe has to do with the formula yhvh, suit of wands obviously. Any insight appreciated C93! I've been meaning to write you but there's too much to fit in one email and I'm not sure where to start rambling and if I start Will I end... Hell, I'm not sure if I'm going or coming. I have a theory about the backside of the same tree but I'm still tragically romantic with a martyr complex at times, others so completely tired and jaded. That just reminded me of JC Superstar, love that stupid movie!

Hey Thanks for being Alive All of You! 93/93/93

Feb 13, 2007


Today is the day I'm suppose to be happy that I was born. If I can pull it off supposedly some other people may be too and we'll celebrate it together. *sigh* I'm certainly not holding my breath so theoritically it's my voluntary will to maintain what's called life. Hmm- it's a start. Why is it that I feel like I need external appreciation for my existence to be thankful for being able to provide it? For my joy is your joy! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to whowhateveritisIam- Happy Birthday to me!

Feb 6, 2007

Miracle Masochism

I so can't wait for the next time someone silly seeks me out for assistance on their path to spiritual enlightenment. I made it though a saturn return in cancer, had a year and a half now to reflect on it, kept myself true to my oldest commitment- that's a qualifying accomplishment if I've learned anything whatsoever for the life I've lived. The first thing I plan on telling my seeker of priviledged secrets is "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Ha! Still find it ridiculous that one turned out to make perfect sense...

I actually must be extra dense to have had things things taught to me so blatantly obvious in method. For an example I spent seven years trying to understand why I was convinced my soulmate "the love of my life" is this guy named Freedom. Yeah, seriously- "I'm in love with Freedom why won't he be just with me?" or better yet "if you love him set him free!" You have gotta be fucking kidding me?! Nope, all the corny cliches are entirely true that's why they stick in your head to annoy the shit out of you and our language was carefully developed to seem to irradicate itself.

At the wise old age of 19 I suddenly stuck my finger in the air to say "excuse me universe, I'm new here. Hi, I'm in kinda a hurry and I don't have time to waste taking math classes to get a piece of paper that might not earn me more paper that I supposedly need to live. Apparently it doesn't grow on trees so we kill them because this is more important than fruit or oxygen.. so it is adamant that I learn how to manifest this stuff and I'm confused why I'm not capable of cutting down my own tree, why my labors would be worthless."

"It's a Miracle!" it said "if you believe it you won't be disappointed in the world you live." So I learned of a place called Miracles Cafe where I could volunteer to work and possibly learn how miracles are made and the nature of the destiny I posess. I dropped everything to heed the calling and have never been disappointed in the world at all but sometimes morbidly myself though I've tried my best. I know you don't believe I'm totally serious- must be some cryptic code I hold the key to and you're suppose to just guess, no place has ever existed where miracles happened daily and no problem wasn't solvable with only love and trust except for how to pay the rent on the threshold of a vortex with a different kind of barter system.. Well, I bet you can find some record of it if ya google it- ran by a Miracles Entertainment Inc. or a naive, freeloading, hippy communal depending on how you looked at it.
Miracles Cafe
800 High St
Bellingham, Wa

Or maybe I am truly crazy instead of everyone else...

Jan 17, 2007

pink flying elephants

''The whales used to sing the song-lines under the water,'' Marty said. Now, as we know, many whales and dolphins are being killed by sonar testing. ''Their whole navigation system is built on sound and so they are very sensitive to sound vibrations,'' she explained. So these experiments are killing off the sentient beings in the ocean. ''I don't know if it's on purpose,'' she said. ''Whales, porpoises, and elephants are more intelligent than most politicians.''

Labyrinths as Sacred Sites with Marty Cain

Jan 2, 2007

I hail You and praise You,
Glorious Goddess,
At the end of this day which You granted me.
May my actions within its hours be judged to be justified,
And my words within its hours found to be true.
Drain from me all intent and action;
I offer to You all energy I have locked in unworthy action or reaction.
May tomorrow by Your grace find me wiser
and my joy in the universe still greater;
I ask Your welcome now in the Temple;
Accept me this night for rest, for study, and for worship;
Grant me dreams of meaning and the memory to recall them.
Hail to You, Goddess of the starry pathways;
Hail to You, Goddess of the Deep Black,
Hail to You, Goddess of the Shining Sun at Midnight,
May I partake of Your glory forever.

Dialogue be damned

Whenever I reflect upon my short comings, paranoid thinking due to incidents of abuse in my formative years that shattered my trust, and the...