Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts

Mar 24, 2017

Revenge of the Banana!




Hold on to the good times while you're included because you never know when nor why you might be ostracized. But if you do find yourself on the outside for no apparent reason despite showing nothing but loyalty.. the best revenge is simply your continued SUCCESS! The proof of which will always be self evident. So don't be a jerkface ever because when all is said and done, you don't want to look back and question your intention. If you're a follower and treat others shitty because you're preoccupied with what others might think.. can't be associated with someone you perceive an outsider? People won't remember your associations. They will remember, however, how you made them feel! Best to be real and true to the right side of the story because you never know if that camera crew documenting for some school project might turn into a nationally released major movie.. Memory is a funny thing! It's so fucking weird to watch yourself on a big screen and realize how fuzzy and foggy the details are of just a typical random night of your life 2 years before. I only had the vaguest recollection of Josh saying there was gonna be a camera crew there one of the many nights we spent at the Rebar.. couldn't remember if it was one of the 2 or 3 I was asked to McFondlette. I only slightly wondered if there was maybe a chance I would show up in the film figuring I'd probably get a quick "woo!" split second spot from in the audience since I was there a lot. I would have been satisfied as such. Boy, was I surprised to find my screen time was closer to 5 whole minutes than 2 seconds! Even here in the preview is me obviously hamming it up for the camera and yet I swear I don't remember them being there except for (after seeing it on the big screen last year at SIFF ~ Seattle International Film Festival) in the green room at the end when we were saying our good byes at the end of the night. To say I'm a method actor would be an understatement! It's true that I can only contribute this to the fact that I was no longer in character in that scene.

Life's a trip... don't be a dick (or a banana ~ same/diff)!



Dec 11, 2016

Surrounded by Angry Ghosts


It's one thing to ignore the person who only texts late when they're drunk & horny and never early to invite you to drink.. but this ghosting thing is so hurtful, disrespectful, and damaging!! After spending a significant amount of time with a person and by that I mean simply more than one occasion, it's simply not okay to quit people like they're a job you think hasn't paid enough or you got a better offer so skip out without telling them you believe you're worth more. People who care about you will worry that you're hurt or in trouble!! People who care about you deserve a conversation; an opportunity to make a counter offer to show they appreciate you more than you thought, or to change the current state of affairs to a new understanding, a compromise if you will that acknowledges the fact that they are a person who you shared a bond with that needs to change for your own happiness but perhaps the bond will turn into a sustainable friendship in the long run instead of a disconnecting slash to an wounded and covered in blood kind person who did nothing wrong but try to find a connection.

People can change, y'all. If we keep severing each other for having a bad day and feeling week and needy while someone else exudes sexy confidence that day and we can't feel both at once so cut the lesser out.. we'll all have absolutely no one and all be so sensitive and slaughtered that no one will ever accept us because the effect is cumulative and none of us deserved to be abandoned for wanting love!!!

Dec 25, 2015

a gigantic infographic worthy problem that accomplishes no-thing

  I don't buy the disease model. Addiction as a permanent lifelong disease you'll never get rid of, which is what they tell you in rehab, is the most futile self perpetuating crock of shit I've ever heard! That's like a mother raising her child by saying "it's okay, honey. you didn't know any better" over and over to the same behavioral issue. The kid grows up to tell his boss he didn't know it's not okay to piss in someone's cheerios, does that make it okay? No. I believe addicts are stuck in this same quagmire of super negative social stigma coupled with criminal associations thanks to the "war on drugs".  Reagan's backwards propaganda was every bit as effective as would have been a "war on dogs" would have been on house breaking puppies. Would you shoot a puppy for pooping on the carpet? Then don't shoot a fucking unarmed black kid!!! I digress ~ 


  The problem is where you see in this chart below the "frustration" or anxiety and also the "shame" parts of the cycle are always there with or without using the substance. You know what's caused me to relapse every time? People assuming I'm using when I'm not so I suddenly think why be so miserable with the struggle if everyone assumes I'm using anyway?! That's right, you my friends, don't have the slightest will to want to help. Nobody does! They all want you to be more of a disaster than they are so they continue to stigmatize you long after you're well into recovery. I was clean for a year and a half when I had this wannabe nemesis go spreading it around that I'm a tweaker.. suddenly people who have known you for YEARS and never even suspected NOW look at you differently. 


"Oh.. you're one of those! I never would have hung out with you if I had known you were one of those."

I actually had this woman who I use to see black out drunk begging for cocaine at every single party while I was just my usual norm say that to me word for word after I told her I quit, I use to do that... Damned forever and nothing you can do about it, yeah? Well, then.. Fuck it! Doesn't even God forgive us for our sins but not drunk punk rock girl, nor boss man, nor ex best friends, definitely not the cops so whiskey tango foxtrot...
--------------------Hey, I know the solution.. How about an infographic?*!*?*! Yeah, that fixes everything:

Cycle of Addiction
Via Recovery Connection
View More Addiction Related Infographics

  The following video is precisely what I've been saying for years! Screaming, and crying, and humbly begging to be heard and understood.. My favorite is there's a "harm reduction" principle that's catching on slightly or slowly at least as far as heroin is concerned where the thought is give the addict prescription methadone rather than have them doing black market bought imported by global terrorist organizations and the Mexican Mafia is one of those as well so that at least the addict is not adding crime and those risks along with the health problem. But then there's the disease model that says an addict will do or say anything to get high and has no mind for self care or harm reduction or healthy lifestyle like he's just a zombie saying "drugggzzz?". Because no addict ever used a drug or substance to self medicate themselves ever and if doctors were willing to treat the initial problem then there is a very good chance that the addict will recover because there's no longer the problem that had them turning to illegal street criminal or should we say enemy combatant supplied medications. You can be a 10 year old kid with a minor behavior problem and will get spoon fed ADHD l-amphetamine but if an adult using the exact same thing for lack of focus, motivation, sleep problems due to performance anxiety, depression etc says they would really like to remove the horrible stigma and rejoin the good ole system of society by switching to a once a day pill instead of the pipe ~ 


"NO! You're an addict! You must suffer and be stigmatized the rest of your life as a failure so you will fail over and over and over...." 
Why? 
"Because we like to feel superior and your need for medication is different from our thyroid pill, or our diet coke, or coffee, or sugar etc. We want to brand you bad so we don't feel fat or diabetic because it's not our fault, we didn't know any better..." 


"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection."


I wanna find my rat community compound party

Oct 29, 2013

significant succubus and such

So I've decided to take my industrious artistic entrepreneurial spirit to the next level and am currently filling out an application for admissions into an online college and go for a bachelors degree in Business...

It's funny these essay questions.. I'm currently stumped on what should reasonably be one of the easiest ones:

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you and describe that influence.

The last time I was seeking admissions into school this would have been easy and obvious. I would have chosen one of my two favorite teachers from high school, Mr. Cook who was my drama instructor and insisted that I was good enough to pursue a career in theatre, or crap.. um, Ms. Thisdale I think who was the faculty adviser for Amnesty International which I was secretary/treasurer of as well as the environmental club which I was president of. After college instead of starting to teach right away she took 5 years off and did the Greenpeace type thing spending the majority of that time working in a Tibetan refugee camp. She told social studies and she just brought about a worldly knowledge of the subject as well as instilled a sense of civil unrest in me making me aware of conditions beyond the posh 3rd world conditions where I grew up and the importance of having compassion for all of Earth's inhabitants. She died from thyroid or brain cancer a few years after I graduated and I regret that I never went back and visited her and told what a good job she'd done as a teacher in my case and how much she profoundly shaped my whole entry and attitude in early adulthood. Hmm.. maybe I will doing it on her. This is sounding good and it's certainly over 70 words.. but likely over 100 which sucks, I hate cutting my expressions short. It's stifling.. reminds me of that artist's statement I had to write for an art grant that was perfect until I went through and trimmed out as many pronouns, long words, and prepositional phrases as I possibly could to make it fit within the character limits and suddenly it read like utter cracked out gibbering nonsense.

So I had thought that perhaps being 20 years out of high school those influences weren't really relevant anymore. I have most certainly had several major and more significant influences since then but here's the conundrum.. which one? My friend Freedom was huge! But what do I say.. he was this beautiful amazing hippie musician who's music brought about a deep a personal spiritual connection to my holy guardian angel and/or native american spirit animal and made me remember past lives where we once lived together as a tribe in harmony with nature? I don't like talking about my hippie days. It was thoroughly heart breaking how young dumb and naive we were thinking we would change the world! I ended up becoming a drug addicted goth pagan seeking out initiation or rather just recognition in a certain secret magickal order that's only purpose it served was teaching me an unexpectedly hard lesson again in having high hopes of spiritual attainment and accomplishment within a brotherhood. Apparently even if you swear an oath of loyalty for life you might not get the same in return. Yet again my most sincerest ambitions of being disciplined and doing good things for myself and the world resulted in me finding myself in the middle of a big mass of drama I had no influence or control over whatsoever but was pulled into by default after which I was utterly abandoned by those I so devotionally put my utmost trust in. I'm still completely dumbfounded, angry, and hurt. But that was a significant influence on my life for better or baffling.

What next? Well jeez, that actually furthered a whole slew of repetitive patterning where I committed myself fully to a project or group and was eventually removed and continue to this day to watch others reap the benefit of my blood, sweat, and tears. The most significant person who influenced my life in the past 5 years was the love of my life who utterly gut wrenchingly broke my heart and refuses to even acknowledge or credit me for any of the massive success he's had as a result of my most passionate dedication to seeing to the accomplishment of his dream. See.. none of this deeply personal trauma/drama is appropriate for such a vague generic question on a college application. I guess I should just do a standard mom or dad response or Gandhi. Well typing this has helped me put my life into perspective for sure! I hate how with all the boundless blessing I've received in my life, I think and feel like I'm a victim. It goes back to that one World History teacher in high school who taught me that no matter how hard I could ever perceive my life to be there are millions who have it way incredibly worse! Yep, her.. now to make sure I got her name right. Theresa Thisdale or Thomas maybe Thompson. I have one single friend from there on Facebook who I can ask.. she's actually the one who told me she died.

Next? Heh.. yay life!

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