Hello? Friends?

I need new friends! I realize I've been a bitter pill lately and it's mainly because I feel lost, alone, and unloved. I put a tremendous amount of weight on my partner because other than my parents I believe that he is the only one that cares about me therefore I depend on him for everything. I don't get it. I've always been extremely independent but more and more I've become less selfishly motivated. I was fiercely independent because I wouldn't allow someone to tie me down as there were always other things for me to do, see, place for me to be, people to meet but all those things were temporary. In the end they flew off quicker than I could stop and perch and then I saw others nesting and thought I should probably leave, no one wants to nest with me.. But is there a tree I could call my community? Is anything constant enough to not break off. I feel like deep roots without new leafs, no buds, no flowers ready for the termites to come devour. See.. bitter pill! :/

this is life.. not just a photograph

Life is ridiculous! I'm currently stressing out of my mind trying to put together the most inspiring, believable, responsible, and effective application for the funding of an art project while the US government is approximately 2 weeks away from being completely broke... In the meantime I myself, who is also generally broke, am ignoring that fact to the extent of blowing off the few rare opportunities that actually have presented themselves this week to make enough money to comfortably live through this process (beer, cigarettes, food etc.. what? I'm an artist and I'm stressed!).. Why? Because it's a calling! Because I'm a fatalist.. Because it's not about me! Apparently I want to save the world more than I want to live on it.. Why? Because it's not worth living on if none are willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good of their fellow man. That is the calling! That is why this art project to me has precedence over everything.. Because I believe it has the power to effect changes so great that it will stir awake a dormant level of the collective consciousness causing an evolutionary leap in the social art experiment, bridging the aspects of ourselves that tend to have a magnetic force field pushing against them. I know this project will make me whole. I know that if I lead a whole life by example others will follow suite. Why? Because I have a dream.. and in a world like this one sometimes a dream is the only thing you have that makes a single lick of sense therefore it is the most sensible gift to give no matter how unrealistic it appears against the background of everything else. Dreams happen for a reason and mine most often really do come true but not from wishing upon a star, but by being one! Every man and woman is a star forever blazing a path to eternity.. even when a brick fucking wall has been built in the center of it, just got lay it down. When there's nothing left at hand, still got to lay it down. Will you then get the funding for your art project? I don't know, I think I need to lay down and nap... but I'm not tired! I'm not dead yet! The time is at hand!

Just Sage

Btw for more info on my play/art project stay tuned to the feed at http://greensnakebeaulily.blogspot.com or LIKE https://www.facebook.com/pages/Green-Snake-Beautiful-Lily/155197867883376  Namaste. Blessed be. So mote we be, free... LUX OM PAX 93 93/93

transiting Saturn conjunct natal Pluto

In a word: Terrifying!

"To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror, to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror." -Frank Herbert

So I can honestly say that I've never been afraid before, at least not before this past weekend. I've studied martial arts. I know how to carry myself. I've lived in more than a few "bad" neighborhoods in my day and although I've certainly felt kinda "sketch" before on more than one occasion I've NEVER BEEN AFRAID! I was somehow armored by my life's purpose or something to that extent.. I've always known it just wasn't my time yet. Period. If it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger.. so bring it on! Nothing I can't take, right? Well this past Saturday night for the first time in my life I suddenly felt as vulnerable as the runt in a herd of gazelle being stalked by a mountain lion.

I was walking by myself, alone, in heels, all dressed up on my way to Merc to dance just like I have hundreds of times before.. when crossing the street, in heels, I sped up to make the light on time and blow off the guys hootin n hollering at me in a car and I hyper-extended my knee, debilitating me instantly. I played it off halfway down the block but realized then that I was fucked. I immediately sought out a place to get off of it hanging left into the courtyard of the old BofA building on Broadway. I texted JJ to come get me, told him to drive around the back of the building and pick me up in the parking lot.. there I stood in the dark, alone, and defenseless. Suddenly I felt like I was dressed like an hooker on Aurora and radiating "stupid cracked out whore" or "dumb drunk bimbo" like a a neon sign was above my head. Usually even if I am dressed in such a fashion that one could possibly be mistaken.. I'd snicker at the notion knowing anyone who dared judge me as such would soon find himself horribly mistaken! But not then, I was a sitting duck, prime prey for the taking with a beacon calling 'em forth. Utterly Horrifying!!

Luckily JJ was quick but I don't know if I'll ever be quite the same ever since. My knee is still healing and I'm forced to capitalize on other talents than what my legs provide as a stable existence. Sure, I'm creative but when left with nothing but a poker face between me and death I assume I'm as good as dead. Guess I better work on that one. Cards anyone? One-eyed Jack's and.. uh.. deuces wild? Fucked...