Mar 22, 2011

transiting Saturn conjunct natal Pluto

In a word: Terrifying!


"To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror, to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror." -Frank Herbert

So I can honestly say that I've never been afraid before, at least not before this past weekend. I've studied martial arts. I know how to carry myself. I've lived in more than a few "bad" neighborhoods in my day and although I've certainly felt kinda "sketch" before on more than one occasion I've NEVER BEEN AFRAID! I was somehow armored by my life's purpose or something to that extent.. I've always known it just wasn't my time yet. Period. If it doesn't kill you it will only make you stronger.. so bring it on! Nothing I can't take, right? Well this past Saturday night for the first time in my life I suddenly felt as vulnerable as the runt in a herd of gazelle being stalked by a mountain lion.

I was walking by myself, alone, in heels, all dressed up on my way to Merc to dance just like I have hundreds of times before.. when crossing the street, in heels, I sped up to make the light on time and blow off the guys hootin n hollering at me in a car and I hyper-extended my knee, debilitating me instantly. I played it off halfway down the block but realized then that I was fucked. I immediately sought out a place to get off of it hanging left into the courtyard of the old BofA building on Broadway. I texted JJ to come get me, told him to drive around the back of the building and pick me up in the parking lot.. there I stood in the dark, alone, and defenseless. Suddenly I felt like I was dressed like an hooker on Aurora and radiating "stupid cracked out whore" or "dumb drunk bimbo" like a a neon sign was above my head. Usually even if I am dressed in such a fashion that one could possibly be mistaken.. I'd snicker at the notion knowing anyone who dared judge me as such would soon find himself horribly mistaken! But not then, I was a sitting duck, prime prey for the taking with a beacon calling 'em forth. Utterly Horrifying!!

Luckily JJ was quick but I don't know if I'll ever be quite the same ever since. My knee is still healing and I'm forced to capitalize on other talents than what my legs provide as a stable existence. Sure, I'm creative but when left with nothing but a poker face between me and death I assume I'm as good as dead. Guess I better work on that one. Cards anyone? One-eyed Jack's and.. uh.. deuces wild? Fucked...

Dialogue be damned

Whenever I reflect upon my short comings, paranoid thinking due to incidents of abuse in my formative years that shattered my trust, and the...