In dreams..

I don't know what it is.. I'm just cursed. In dreams I feel alive. In dreams I feel I live...

DREAM: the other woman

Damnit! Why do I keep dreaming about Jxxx & Bxx? It's like the 3rd time this week! Why does it keep happening?

It's usually just me hanging out with them in a large group setting but kinda forcibly like we're all sleeping on the floor of their bedroom.. Jx is always really nice like we're good friends and Bxx is always weird and caddy about it.

There's always a bed, that's one of the consistent dream symbols. There's always a conversation with them in bed but they're lying on opposite ends of like a queen size bed as if they don't want to make me uncomfortable by being close together and that could be understandably why she's annoyed. I would be too! But why do I keep dreaming this?? Is it just some sorta unconscious need to feel or know that my connection with him is different and unique from what they share? I know that already! I don't know need to have it acted out on the dreambox sound soap stage to know that! I am gaining some satisfaction from seeing her annoyed and feeling slightly threatened by me, she did hit on him and flirted with him right in front of me! But it's making me really annoyed and uncomfortable! I feel like I need to apologize for the intrusion. I want nothing to do with them and their lives! I am perfectly content with only getting the absolute vaguest and extremely occasional news report which consist of nothing more than they're still together, he still lives in Mxxx, she still lives on Cxx, he still works in Seattle. Yesterday his brother informed me (me as well as all his FB friends) that he switched xx clinics to one in Gxxx or lake somewhere around there. That tidbit of info shouldn't trigger an intimate dream conversation, right? They're so real too and I feel like this setting is being forced on me too although in the dream I effectively play the aggressor ~ cool, calm, and confident, like I'm actively trying to make waves in their relationship but the truth is I don't want to be there and I'm torn apart on the inside. I'm just trying to do my best to handle the situation with dignity and the wedge that's lodged is all Bxx. She could have easily gone on the offense and clung to him and made me a pithy wreck where I couldn't even look nor speak to him.

Is this practice for some reason? Am I going to be forced to be a part of their lives again? Or is this just Venus in retrograde plus conjunct my natal Venus stuff? (plus Merc, Sun, Pluto all conjunct or nearly conjunct the same aspect in Capricorn which is my 8th house..) Of course the astrology is influencing it but that fact still doesn't tell me why is it playing out in this particular way for me nor is this a premonition like nearly all my realistic dreams (combined w/symbolism though never straight envisioned as will happen precisely) OR unconscious healing and processing or revenge like XX said? 

I don't get it. I'm sick of it! I want answers now. Angel send me insight! Please and thank you for your presence... Om

the wretched

asraiya & spooky robert at mercury

   The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. 

       ~ Ernest Hemingway

suffer

Did I abandon all my children in a past life? Banish them from the kingdom for just being who they are.. Who did I ignore? Who did I neglect? Did I not show love or ostracize everyone I ever came into contact with? Did I alienated someone to the point that they completely gave up all while rubbing it in their face how happy I was?

This life is too hard.. it seems I only came to suffer. 

Alone. 

pluto square pluto, uranus opposition pluto, chiron square neptune... sun in gemini, moon in leo

Aum Ha

 "He wrote to her...
Much of what you believe to be True is Not... much of what brings you pleasure in Truth is Not.... when tenderness and sweetness enter your heart, sorrow and death sleep in your bed... as such is the world of Samsara in which you are trapped. All fleeting loves are subservient to that permanent Love of All. That which brings us joy is but a mask of sorrow... which hides our shame from ourselves."

 ~ Roberto Flores