Nov 21, 2006

Believing You're a Hero

How can you start a revolution when you can't seem to manage yourself well enough and keep anything consistent in your regular revolutions around the sun much less 24 hr. rotations?! This is a sad moment in the life of our hero, that is if there are still any believers in our tale, our hero is not sure she can believe in herself. Let's hold our hope in the one redeemable quality she will recognize is her refusal to be nothing but honest at all cost to everyone with no exceptions but maybe herself. All the prophets are prisoners until all the prisoners are free, my friends. All heros are failures unless they can save themselves, and the fearless fear victory more than death because death is not the end for a warrior soul. The hardest thing to do is to lay it down. Will she, can she pick it back up? She's fighting the biggest two-headed beast encountered yet Fear of Failure and Perpetuation the mother of triplets Futile, Forget, and Follower who with their cousins the Power Lusters spawned the race of Zombies who She's only trying to save from their unacknowledged reality. The pending doom She so fiercely Will change to a safe unknowledgable fate that she forgets about her own state of affairs affecting all the conditions neccesary for optimal performance. Fuck! How do you let go of expectaions for yourself so you can at least move on and maybe meet someone else's expectations as a more reasonable goal? I even expect myself to have no expectations of anybody else in order to live as an example of a human that completely cares enough to understand. I don't understand Myself anymore! I've committed to being so fully righteous that I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I must be trying so hard to not be attached to anything since I truly know how temporary is everything that I've been booby trapping everything I really want or actually care about- Me in general. I'm so convinced I just can't have what I Want that I see to it that I don't get what I want! Am I afraid to be happy because it has never lasted forever in the past? See that paradox there is exactly the same way I view emotions and self preserving importance- Impossible to reconcile therefore irrelevant and not worthy of concern. Have I gotten anywhere with this yet?? Let's see: I keep shooting myself in the foot when I'm running for the prize because I don't believe I deserve it and the only reason I'm in the race is so I can share the prize with All of Creation, or because of Creation, and prevent it's destruction by initiating Transformation which is also actually an end. Yep, that bout sums it up. Does that make sense to anyone else whatsoever? I would love to know if it does so they will explain it to me... Can a psychologist psyche themself out? or a healer be healed? Saviour be saved? Is there a need overcome such selflessness as to prevent destroying yourself because you have no choice but to do your Will, even if it destroys everything you love. You will lose it anyway if you walk away.

Oh Rose, thou Art sick.

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