Oct 22, 2006

if life's a bowl of cherries I must be dead

Seriously the pits would have more nutritional value than my current resources. I'm starving here and that's on top of being sick from stress. I'm just wondering what is going to kill me first- starvation, drugs, my broken heart, alcohol- no can't afford any, the shear insanity of it that I've been more successful w/money in the past when trying to die than I am right now wanting desperately to live, to create, to love and give myself in service as inspiration. Pretty challenging to do when I was lacking inspiration myself from absense of family/love, and even when just really low on motivation from lack of seeing results, but now I'm lacking understanding of how it's even possible for my luck to be so lost when my intentions are so pure. Now I'm about to lose my sanity from disbelief. It goes against my nature to even accept these circumstances as reality and that opens a whole bag of worms called schizophrenia! It's gotta be some kind of spiritual transformation- rebirthing. Let's do it! Get to the bottom- what? What do I need to let go of? I want to live, breathe, dance, create, and I won't even be too scared to love again. Insanity scares me more than pain, way more than pain. At least you know you're alive when it hurts even though living doesn't seem like a very fun thing to do. Wondering if you are a ghost is certainly hell. To be aware yet have no effect on anything you perceive- this is spiritual death. I am humbled. I will be thankful for any attention I am blessed with and not expect compassion and understanding so much as I have because of expections I keep for myself. EVEN LIFE IS A PRIVLEDGE AND NOT A RIGHT! Respect it. You are not owed anything just because you were born. If you don't learn that you won't even have a soul to occupy when all of this is done. Apathy will not hide you just as the dark can not hide from the light. Thank you.

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