Dec 2, 2006
smoke and mirrors
I think I now completely understand why I was on such a hideous stretch of attempts with dating/relationships that all went so horribly wrong- guys were running and screaming from me or disappearing as if signed up for witness protection. As I've always known and found true all these relating excercises are for knowing ourselves and each person you manifest in your life is a reflection of you in some way or another. If you are truly not happy with how your life is going you can not expect someone else to be in it because why would they want to be in your miserable life? Nor can anyone change it for you! That is what You have to do! If you do not love and respect yourself no one CAN do it for you and even if they could why would you let them? Just what would that accomplish? Dependency worse than any substance abuse! Won't you find it in your heart to show some compassion for someone who would even consider trying by not allowing them to bear your goddamn burden! No one should have to put up with you testing and testing them with bad behavior temper tantrums to try to push them away because you don't believe you deserve it. And for the sake of the fucking universe if you think you've been hurt too bad to trust and that you're such a innocent victim in all these malicious relationships of the past PLEASE GO AHEAD AND DIE for all I can care- get it? For all I CAN care. I can't do it for you just like no one could do it for me. Love for the sake of loving! Love so much it's excruciating then love some more! Love without the slightest expectation of even air to breathe in- take in nothing! Let it go, give away, LOVE YOUR HEART OUT!!! Only then will you hurt no more, only then will you actually be worthy of receiving because when it's no longer about you whatsoever is when it is All You. Step out of yourself please for just a minute, turn around- look what you are doing!! Why? Do they owe you something? Do they deserve to be sucked into your darkness? Have you no longer even a spark of your own really? What if you put out their light? Can you live with that? Actually you Will live on and on and on perpetuating your tragedy- don't you long to be free?! You see, you only get what you're willing to give freely. It's okay now- I understand... and I love you!
Whenever I reflect upon my short comings, paranoid thinking due to incidents of abuse in my formative years that shattered my trust, and the...