smoke and mirrors

I think I now completely understand why I was on such a hideous stretch of attempts with dating/relationships that all went so horribly wrong- guys were running and screaming from me or disappearing as if signed up for witness protection. As I've always known and found true all these relating excercises are for knowing ourselves and each person you manifest in your life is a reflection of you in some way or another. If you are truly not happy with how your life is going you can not expect someone else to be in it because why would they want to be in your miserable life? Nor can anyone change it for you! That is what You have to do! If you do not love and respect yourself no one CAN do it for you and even if they could why would you let them? Just what would that accomplish? Dependency worse than any substance abuse! Won't you find it in your heart to show some compassion for someone who would even consider trying by not allowing them to bear your goddamn burden! No one should have to put up with you testing and testing them with bad behavior temper tantrums to try to push them away because you don't believe you deserve it. And for the sake of the fucking universe if you think you've been hurt too bad to trust and that you're such a innocent victim in all these malicious relationships of the past PLEASE GO AHEAD AND DIE for all I can care- get it? For all I CAN care. I can't do it for you just like no one could do it for me. Love for the sake of loving! Love so much it's excruciating then love some more! Love without the slightest expectation of even air to breathe in- take in nothing! Let it go, give away, LOVE YOUR HEART OUT!!! Only then will you hurt no more, only then will you actually be worthy of receiving because when it's no longer about you whatsoever is when it is All You. Step out of yourself please for just a minute, turn around- look what you are doing!! Why? Do they owe you something? Do they deserve to be sucked into your darkness? Have you no longer even a spark of your own really? What if you put out their light? Can you live with that? Actually you Will live on and on and on perpetuating your tragedy- don't you long to be free?! You see, you only get what you're willing to give freely. It's okay now- I understand... and I love you!

Leap and the net will appear...

Do not feed your fears children! What? It might hurt you? How will it feel to stay here stuck forever completely numb wondering what coulda, shoulda, mighta been if you had only tried, taken a chance, let go of yourself for once and gave in to all that is possible when you seek truly to live which you know is purely to love... What is there really to be afraid of? Death? Will it kill you to open up and be yourself since nothing more could ever possibly be expected of you? What will hurt you if you are not what anyone else seems to want when you are perfectly you? Why don't you just love them, they are only confused.. Love does not hurt!! It flows free! The pain is from holding back- LET GO!
Not sleep, not rest, not peace, not contentment are of the Will of the Hero, but these things he hateth, and consenteth to enjoy them only with Shame of his weak nature. But he will analyse himself without pity, and he will so all things soever that may free and fortify his mind and Will. To do the work one came here for is to be wholly what thou wouldst be- an engine undefatigable, a mind clear, calm, concentrated, and a Heart Fierce Aglow. Love one another with burning hearts. LOVE YOUR HEART OUT! This is the only way... "If the Sun and Moon should doubt then they would immediantly go out." No doubt, no fear, no sorrow.. You in the Garden at Last. I can not wait forever.....

no thanks

none whatsoever except for my space.

Enjoy stuffing your faces everybody! I'm going on a fast for the one that got away and I don't really have a damn thing else to say right now but Ouch- I'm alone here!

Believing You're a Hero

How can you start a revolution when you can't seem to manage yourself well enough and keep anything consistent in your regular revolutions around the sun much less 24 hr. rotations?! This is a sad moment in the life of our hero, that is if there are still any believers in our tale, our hero is not sure she can believe in herself. Let's hold our hope in the one redeemable quality she will recognize is her refusal to be nothing but honest at all cost to everyone with no exceptions but maybe herself. All the prophets are prisoners until all the prisoners are free, my friends. All heros are failures unless they can save themselves, and the fearless fear victory more than death because death is not the end for a warrior soul. The hardest thing to do is to lay it down. Will she, can she pick it back up? She's fighting the biggest two-headed beast encountered yet Fear of Failure and Perpetuation the mother of triplets Futile, Forget, and Follower who with their cousins the Power Lusters spawned the race of Zombies who She's only trying to save from their unacknowledged reality. The pending doom She so fiercely Will change to a safe unknowledgable fate that she forgets about her own state of affairs affecting all the conditions neccesary for optimal performance. Fuck! How do you let go of expectaions for yourself so you can at least move on and maybe meet someone else's expectations as a more reasonable goal? I even expect myself to have no expectations of anybody else in order to live as an example of a human that completely cares enough to understand. I don't understand Myself anymore! I've committed to being so fully righteous that I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I must be trying so hard to not be attached to anything since I truly know how temporary is everything that I've been booby trapping everything I really want or actually care about- Me in general. I'm so convinced I just can't have what I Want that I see to it that I don't get what I want! Am I afraid to be happy because it has never lasted forever in the past? See that paradox there is exactly the same way I view emotions and self preserving importance- Impossible to reconcile therefore irrelevant and not worthy of concern. Have I gotten anywhere with this yet?? Let's see: I keep shooting myself in the foot when I'm running for the prize because I don't believe I deserve it and the only reason I'm in the race is so I can share the prize with All of Creation, or because of Creation, and prevent it's destruction by initiating Transformation which is also actually an end. Yep, that bout sums it up. Does that make sense to anyone else whatsoever? I would love to know if it does so they will explain it to me... Can a psychologist psyche themself out? or a healer be healed? Saviour be saved? Is there a need overcome such selflessness as to prevent destroying yourself because you have no choice but to do your Will, even if it destroys everything you love. You will lose it anyway if you walk away.



Oh Rose, thou Art sick.

Rogue

art by my sister, Rogue LaRoq- www.myspace.com/xoxrogue

Star chaser,
Can you read my infrared scripture?
There's an energy flowing through every living thing.
Going to help your brothers and sisters to see?
Moon-shine healers we are .
Moonshine heals you if you believe.
It's just an energy.